The Labels for Blog Posts

So today I was looking at my blog and at the labels which are shown in a word cloud on the lower left-hand side. The way these word clouds work is- the more frequent the label, the larger the text size; so smaller text labels are used less frequently and larger ones are used more often, to label my blogs. I choose the labels after I write an entry.

So what I was noticing is that two of the biggest words are "healing" and "trauma recovery." This kindof made me smile. Over the course of the year and a half (about that) that I've been writing this blog, I am sure that those were not always two of the most frequently used labels for my posts. I still have a ways to go, but I have come a long way... Pretty cool :)

Victim vs Survivor Journal Activity from "Resurrection After Rape" by Matt Atkinson (see Resources tab)

So I started reading this book again. I'm going to make me do the journal activities. This is the first one. I'm sure I'll have more to add later on.

"What is the difference between a Victim and a Survivor? How do you think you will recognize the point when you have transformed from victim to survivor?" (p. 15)

A Victim is defined by her pain. She is still being victimized by the act that left her a victim in the first place. She is held hostage by memories, by hurt, by experiences. She copes ineffectively or not at all. She doesn't have hope of healing. She blames herself. She may feel numb about her R or SA or CSA experience, being able to talk about it as she'd talk about the weather.

A Survivor is who she is because of her pain and because of what she has been through, but she is not defined by it. She continues to live and function despite it. She has recognized that she deserves to heal and can begin to take steps to see this happen. She likely still struggles with self-blame, but she recognizes, intellectually at least, that she wasn't at fault. She is hopeful that healing is possible.

I will feel more like a survivor when I can say that it wasn't my fault and mean it; when I can direct my anger where it belongs without feeling guilty; when there is emotion attached to my story; when I grieve for what was lost; when I am no longer afraid to tell my story to people around me (after I wrote that, I thought, will this ever happen? would it even be good or healthy?)...

IBS and Trauma, and a Nice Quote about Loving Yourself

 

"I tried to forgive them, I tried to forget them, but then I decided to love myself instead." I saw that in someone's  signature on Pandy's today and it stuck with me.

I learned on Monday that I have IBS, so I've got to pay attention to my diet and how I react to certain foods and start cutting things out. Not really cool since I have some eating/food issues to start with. I also learned that IBS is more common among:

• "People in their late 20s.
• Women.
• People who have panic disorder or other psychological conditions.
• People who have a family history of IBS.
• People who have a history of physical or sexual abuse or other psychological trauma. Several studies have found a link between a past history of abuse and gastrointestinal disorders.
• People with other conditions such as depression, migraine headaches, and fibromyalgia (which causes widespread muscle and soft-tissue pain and tenderness)" (from Web MD ).

I underlined the risk factors that apply to me; it made me laugh a little. My Dr also told me that for some people, IBS can get worse when they are stressed out. I also have GERD (acid reflux) and I know for me, that is worse when I am stressed so I wouldn't be surprised if the IBS is also worse.

I think it's interesting that studies have found links between GI disorders and past history of abuse. (An interesting article I found is here Relation Between Physical or Sexual Abuse and Functional GI Disorders by George F Longstreth, MD .)

I am kindof like are you fucking serious, I have more things to deal with right now while I'm trying to move and get packed and unpacked?! One more issue that comes up that could be linked to or caused by the CSA/SA. *Sigh.*

Believing in Me

I have been thinking lately a lot about my self esteem. About why it's so shot, about how it's negatively affecting my life and the choices I make, about how to fix it. I came across this quote:

"Rebuilding our self-esteem can be a difficult and long journey. As difficult as reclaiming ourselves may be, we must remember that we are worth it. We deserve to feel secure about what we need and want out of life and others. We deserve to stand up for ourselves. No matter what others do or say, we deserve to have a voice and feel empowered."
(From "Low Self Esteem and Relationships: How to Reclaim Yourself" on Pandy's -also linked on the Resources tab.)

Unfortunately, I have been letting others' words really affect how I feel about me lately. Also unfortunately, there's been plenty of opportunity for me to be hurt by others' words lately- people I care about have been downright mean. But I have been trying to remind myself that I am worth reclaiming myself- I deserve to have a voice, I don't deserve to let other people make me feel like crap about me.

A smart person once told me "You don't need them to be you." I have been trying to remember this as I let go of people who are bringing more hurt or negativity to my life than positivity. Because I don't need that, and shouldn't have to deal with it, and it's ok to let those people go and give them a second-place spot- because I really don't need them to be myself, and myself is a pretty good person. A person who deserves to be happy and work past the pain and not be hindered by people who clearly don't have my best interests at heart.

And as for the people who do truly care, who do have my best interests at heart...those people are the ones who will be there in the end when I can smile and say that I've come a long way and am finally happy, healed, comfortable in my own skin.

SI (sortof), Forgetting, Anger

Last night was so bad. Body memories and crying and my eyes are very puffy this morning. I am really struggling. I keep picking the scabs on my head and picking them again and they hurt so bad and bleed and I just can't stop. And it hurts to even wash and brush my hair; and I can't even ask about it or talk about it on Pandy's because they changed their posting guidelines in that forum.

Trying to stay strong and be gentle with myself. I didn't take the antidepressants for like 3 days in a row because my throat was really hurting and the pills are huge, maybe that is my problem. Took them today, only have one left and I have to refill them tomorrow and I am not sure if my insurance will still cover it (insurance is going to be changing, one will be running out before the other takes effect) and it will cost $109...so that is adding to the stress. Backtracking a little- I think maybe part of why my  throat has been hurting is because the lymph nodes on the back of my neck/head are swollen because of all the scabs on my scalp.

I don't know how to stop remembering, or how to make my body stop remembering. People say, don't let it control you, don't think about it, forget about it, get over it, just don't let it happen....

Dealing with a lot of anger. Well, I have always had a lot of anger I suppose, just wasn't really aware of it. Trying to figure out, with M, how to constructively let it out of my system so it stops sitting in there seething.

Some Things I am Struggling With

The topomax I'm on for migraine prevention has my appetite wayyy down. I can eat lunch and that's it, and I'm not hungry the rest of the day. I try to force myself to eat a little dinner, so I don't lose too much weight, and because I want to set a good example for my daughter...but when I weigh myself and I see the numbers falling, I get that old feeling back. The being extra careful about what I eat (and, especially- what I don't eat), the struggling to not let on there's a problem, the small, beaten down voice within that whispers "You don't control me...you can't make me eat, you can't make me listen, you can't make me pretty or desirable or healthy...you can't you can't you can't." So even though I am not starving myself, I am finding myself facing an old struggle...odd, no?
Another thing I am struggling with recently is a fear of saying no. (See Overcoming the Fear of Saying No (Pandy's) -that article gives reasons why survivors struggle with this and how to deal with it, and is also added to the resources tab.) I think I'm struggling with this for lots of reasons...and it kindof makes everything else a little tougher.

Aghh!. It's been a tough few days. Just wanna scream.

Also, see "What is RTS?" Secton in Matt Atkinson's Book...

There is also a good section on RTS in Matt Atkinson's book Resurrection After Rape (it's also linked in the Resources tab), toward the end of page 22 (if you're using the .pdf reader page finder, it'll be page 24).

Frustrated and Upset and RTS?

So frustrated with the memories and psychosomoatic symptoms. Frustrated/upset with myself. Just. Be. Over. It. It is so simple... And yet...it's not. Tried writing some things down for counseling tomorrow. AGH! I cannot do it. Tried asking myself how I felt - please, just feel something- just don't be so goddamned numb about it all. But nothing.

I can't take being at work anymore! I can't take being at home anymore! I want- I need- my own place. Not just the memories...my parents are so negative. I don't need to be around that! And I don't want my daughter around that! She is 4- she should be learning that the world is full of fun things to do and explore and learn.

This morning...I hurt. I think actually I feel something, and it hurts. Part of me wants to break down and cry and cut and yell and cry some more...but I won't. I haven't cried in a while...not sure I could manage it. No need to go feeling weak anyways.

Also kinda wondering about RTS. Read a few articles about it. Put one in the resources tab: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html

Anxious

A little anxious today, panicky...can't breathe very well, lungs are tight. Trying to do some grounding exercises (see the Resources tab)...agh.

Adding a "Resources" Tab

Ok so since there have been a lot of useful resources here that have gotten "lost" among the other posts, and since my readership has grown quite a bit over the last year and a few months and I want everyone to be able to easily access those resources, I've decided to make a separate tab page for them. I'll list them with links in alphabetical order for easy finding. It may take me a little while to get them all up, so please bear with me :)

New Med, Memory, and Resources

I am on a new medication to prevent migraines; it's an anti-epileptic. And wow does it screw me up. It makes me fuzzy-headed, I sometimes can't think of the right word I'm looking for, I'm forgetful, dizzy, sluggish, food and drink has an "odd" taste, and I don't have much of an appetite. These are all common side effects, and I'm hoping that after a few weeks, as my system gets used to the medication, they'll go away- or at least lessen. To have fewer migraines, I'm willing to deal with a lot :) But in the meantime, I'm a little down. I'm intelligent, well educated...I'm not used to being like this, to having to ask, hey..what's that word...? Feeling slow or dumb..brings me back I guess. And I'm really having a hard time.

And on that note, there's a  new sentence in my journal. The one and only sentence in the journal that is a telling of an event, a memory, a part of my story, rather than my analysis, my thoughts, my rambling. It sits alone on the page, trailing off, begging me to erase it. Because it burns, each moment it's there down on the paper. The shame and guilt and all the things I know I'm supposed to feel but can't- the anger and betrayal and hurt...it all churns around, searing my insides, but my mind says- if you erase it, in some twisted way, he wins, because writing that one sentence is one step closer to telling your story. So it's out, and you can forget it, leave it, turn the page.

Lastly, I had a reader ask me for links to some resources that they couldn't find again, so here they are :)  (I realize that sometimes when I put resources up here they can get lost in with the other posts so if you ever want me to re-post any resources you've seen up here that you can't find again- just send a message or comment and I'll be glad to!)-

A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman Who Has Been Raped (Matt Atkinson)

Article about Adult Survivors Continuing Relationships with the Abusive Family (Pandy's)

Tips for Friends and Family of Survivors (Pandy's)

I would also like to throw in here that if you are really close to someone who is a survivor and have a lot of questions or think you would benefit from networking online with other supporters of survivors, I would recommend Pandora's Aquarium (http://www.pandys.org/index.html). Even if you don't think you would benefit that much- I encourage you to give it a try. You can sign up as a Secondary Survivor (the supporter- someone close to- a survivor) and have access to some great forums and support from other secondaries. As survivors of sexual violence, we have a lot of emotional issues to work through, and those who support us certainly don't come out without needing to talk, vent, and find some support of their own. Pandy's can be a good place for that.

Feeling Emotions...Trying Again

So for therapy homework I am supposed to work on identifying my "rocks" - the rocks that weigh on my lungs when I wake in the night...I am supposed to identify what each represents, maybe one is anger at my dad for what he did, another is anger at my mom for not believing me...and so on. The idea is, I am supposed to feel the emotions that I haven't been able to feel/haven't let myself feel, etc. And this is...hard. I don't want to feel the way any of it would make me feel if I let myself feel the way it makes me feel.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember I had similar homework about feeling feelings from the therapist I saw last year...and I was just as reluctant to do it then as I am now. However- do I want to be in therapy next year, again, with the same homework...? No, no I most definitely do not. So...that means...I do the damn homework.

Tonight when I wake up, and can't breathe, I write about one rock. Just one feeling. I don't even have to feel that feeling right then...just have to identify it and write it down in the journal. And then I go back to sleep.... Let's see how this goes.

For My Survivor Friends...

When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, dirty, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kindof funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA and SA and how much is from the breakup. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...

Some days...

Some days I just want to disappear. I want to crawl into the earth and hug the ground around me like a blanket and be unseen, be swallowed up by mother nature.

Some days I want to scream- "I am MORE." I am more than a single mom, more than a pretty girl who likes knockoff designer accessories, more than an employee at my dad's company. I am more than you see. I want to beg someone- anyone- to see all of me, to really know me, and to accept me as I am- not how they'd wish me to be.

Some days I want to let out the rage within me. To pound my fists against the pain until they are bloody and unrecognizable. I want to scream and cry and rage and hurt and let out the anger about what was done to me. I want to yell that I am no longer afraid, I will no longer hide my anger and turn it inward. I want to unleash the fury that lives in my heart, turn it against the ones who deserve it.

A Great Quote

I have started browsing through a book, to go along with a new counselor :) It's called Resurrection After Rape by Matt Atkinson. It is.....hard to believe that this guy- or any guy- could know so well what it feels like to be a female victim of R or SA. A great, great quote from the book that I wanted to share is:

"...begin to change the language we use when we talk about rape. You need to see it as a hurt done to you, not a permanent source of filth and badness about you."

I have real issues with self-blame. I think it would be good to start thinking like that...

Great Article for Men who are Close to a Survivor

Stumbled across this today on Pandy's and wanted to share because it's helpful, and because most people know someone who has been SA'd (even if they don't know it):

A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman Who Has Been Raped by Matt Atkinson

I'd recommend it to any guy who is close to a female survivor.

Counseling and Moving Forward

So I found a counselor who has evening hours and who specializes in psychosynthesis and life coaching (more information about psychosynthesis here ) and went to see her yesterday evening for a consultation. One of her premises is that we should take our strengths and positives and what we are good at and what works for us, and maximize those to get what we want out of life. I really like that idea. It was only a consultation, but she was already into the difficult questions...I could tell she is not going to let me take the easy way out, minimize or ignore, or rationalize my problems or situation or issues. She is going to  hold me responsible for where I am in life- which is good. I am not stuck working here at my dad's company- there are, I just have to work hard to find another job where I can be happier.

So I wanted to let a dear friend, S, know that I think I have finally found a good C. She even gives her clients her cell phone number and e-mail address in case they think of something important after the session is over. She seemed supportive and positive and good and skilled at listening to what you are not saying. She suggested I set up an easel in the garage or somewhere quiet...which I have been saying I will do for a while but haven't done. I should, painting and drawing is just what brings me peace.

Also I finished a freelance project recently...that was nice. I have put proposals on more of them, so hopefully things will pick up :)

I Am... A Healing Exercise

I am not weak- I have lived through a pretty good amount of trauma and I keep going.
I am stronger than I think- I always bounce back, even when I don't think I will.
I am a good mom- my daughter is well-taken care of, happy, confident, and caring toward others.
I am a good friend- I listen and care and try to help.
I am not what happened to me- I am not a victim, I have survived and become my own person.
I am beautiful- inside and out, I am not stained by what was done to me.

...PS- As soon as feelings are involved...

Since my ex and I have broken up, I've realized that a lot of my issues surrounding sex and sexuality really only occur when there are feelings involved. Maybe this is an issue in itself...Fucking around is one thing- I can do that, I am even good at that, but once you throw feelings in there or someone that I care about, forget it, it's a whole other ballpark. What the hell. Just something that occured to me. Thought I'd get it out so I can stop analyzing it and get back to work.

Having To Be Ok is Forcing Me To Be Stronger?

Living with my parents this last month and a half or so (has it really been that long?), I've kinda been forced to be ok. I can't have panic attacks, can't have flashbacks, because I refuse to be that vulnerable around one of the people who hurt me. I think somewhere my unconscious kindof psychosomatically knows this, that I have to be stronger and cannot- absolutely must not- be so vulnerable in a place that isn't entirely (or didn't used to be) safe.

Nights have not been good; I haven't been sleeping well. Dreams, waking up every couple hours and not being able to fall back asleep...I come into work with lots of coffee ;) Sometimes I find myself listening for a creek of the floor that I know won't come, or looking for a shadow that I know isn't there.

It's kindof difficult trying to heal from all the sexual abuse and incest my father put me through (that's right, I spelled it out...I just wrote that...and nothing bad happened...except I'm having a difficult time not deleting it...) and dealing with seeing him at work every day and living with him and I can't show it or talk about it because he's ALWAYS THERE.

But not having a choice is causing me to find strength I didn't know I had. I'm finding that I can be a normal person even when it hurts so bad inside I just want to take a razor to myself (I don't, of course). I can be strong even when I feel like breaking down. I can smile even if I'm crying inside. And maybe, eventually, those things will become real- I'll just start smiling naturally, feeling normal more often, realizing that I've always been strong, and most of all, really believing that it wasn't my fault/I didn't deserve it. Not just about the things my dad did, but the other things, too. *Sigh* Slowly, it is getting better. Even by accident ;)

Shame, and some Random Ramblings

Why is it that we feel so ashamed as survivors of SA and/or CSA...as adults, as survivors, we know, in our minds, that it wasn't our fault,so why do we feel so much shame because of it? Maybe because we are used to it, because of the secrecy, because for so long it was ingrained in our beliefs (at least in the case of CSA, and sometimes SA) that we caused it.

I have been trying lately to lay down the shame. It feels really strong the past couple weeks, being that I'm living back home with my parents. Being around my dad is...ugh...sleeping there is difficult. It's been really a rough few weeks. But I think that it will get easier. I just have to save some money so I can get out on my own, and take things one day at a time, stop blaming myself...

My ex and I have decided that we may try working things out. I am not sure I'm optimistic about how that will go...we'll see. My daughter is doing good, we have been enjoying the warmer weather...I am trying to take things slower and enjoy one day at a time.

When People Say They're Sorry

When people find out what I have been through (or part of it...no one really knows every thing), many people's first reaction is to say they're sorry. And this doesn't happen very often, as its not like I go around talking about it- usually I prefer to pretend none of it happened. I realize they're not saying it because they had any hand in why or how it happened, they are simply sorry that I went through it. Which is a nice thing to say and really I do appreciate that kindness (especially since if I'm telling someone, they are someone I truly trust). However, it always makes me feel awkward, or bad, when people apologize like that for any of the CSA or SA's. I wasn't sure why, or hadn't really thought about it, until I read someone else's take on it at Pandy's. Now it makes sense that it's partly because it makes me realize that I actually went through something really horrible. I am used to minimizing it, or having other people minimize it- it wasn't that bad, it was a long time ago (most of it), just don't think about it, etc. But when someone apologizes in a tone or with a look that shows genuine sincerity...it reminds me that it WAS actually really bad. Not that that is a good reason to dwell on it or wallow in it or anything, I just thought it was an interesting insight into why it's weird for me when people say they're sorry.

And Moving Back "Home"

So...my relationship is ending. My daughter and I are going to have to move in with my parents. We looked at the finances, and there is no way I will be able to afford living on my own. I looked into assistance, but my income is pretty far above the cutoff...so I am stuck. I don't qualify for assistance yet I will not be able to pay the bills living on my own. My parents have some extra room...and they've put the offer out there...and there isn't really another choice right now. My plan is to find a better (read: higher-paying) job ASAP so that I'm not living there for any longer than possible.

This breakup is hard, it sucks, I hate it. We were together for 5 years...and we both kindof started to realize that we want different things for our futures. I am completely emotionally and mentally worn out, thinking about how I'll miss him, how our daughter will react, whether he'll be ok staying with his parents, whether it's the right decision, whether it's what I really want, how soon I'll be able to get a place of our own.

I am super stressed about living with my parents again. I am having moments of pure panic...because I know there are lots of triggers there, I know there will be nightmares, I know there will be flashbacks and I really just started to be OK - starting to get past all those things. The answer, I suppose, is that I have to be stronger than those things. I have come a long way and I'm pretty sure I can get out of this with minimal backward stepping. But I'm a little scared. As dumb as that sounds.

The Good Doesn't Necessarily Cancel Out The Bad

So I spent a little time this morning on Pandy's, responding to people's posts, trying to offer a little support or encouragement, when I realized something. For a while I have been struggling with good memories I have of my childhood and of my father; it wasn't always bad- we had lots of good times. It's difficult for me to place the blame of the CSA on him when there are good things I remember and good things about him- he isn't this completely evil monster, he has lots of qualities that people think of as good. So this is where part of my self-blame comes from, I look at it like here's this man who is really an ok guy, a good person in some ways, so it must have been me. The good memories and the good qualities he possesses makes it really difficult for me to (a) be angry with him for the CSA, (b) believe the CSA was his fault and not mine, (c) see that I didn't deserve it...and so on.

So today I read a post on Pandy's from a woman going through a similar mental struggle- and then it sortof just hit me... all it takes is that ONE time someone hurts you, and no amount of good qualities or memories can "cancel" that out. As soon as that line is crossed the first time, the person isn't all "good" anymore- but that doesn't mean he is all "bad" either. Clearly, obviously, people are both- we all are. My father has good qualities, but he also SA'd me for years. I don't have to mentally label him as good or bad, because it's ok for me to see him as both.

Ok this probably all sounds obvious and silly. But it was kindof a big "lightbulb" moment for me, realizing that  just because there are good things about him doesn't make the bad things he did ok. I think this is a really good step in my path to really seeing it as not my fault, not something I deserved.

"Stages" of Healing



(c) Jessica McCormick

I just liked it today ;)

 First I want to throw out there that I'm seriously looking forward to going back to the support group on Monday. I've only been once so far, and didn't talk except the courteous hello and nice to meet you. But the people were really nice and welcoming and open. And I could get hot cocoa, which always makes me smile :) I really think that I will feel comfortable enough there in time to be able to talk a little and get some things out- let me tell you it is really nice to hear others' stories and know that I'm not alone and that other people are going through the same things.

Ok, now for what I'm really going to write about: stages of healing (from CSA/SA). I've been thinking about this a little lately as I'm trying to re-vamp my healing efforts. The University of California: Santa Barbara notes that there are five stages of recovery (see the article here):

1. Before the assault (self explanatory)
2. Denial (the assault is suppressed and deemed "insignificant")
3. Awareness (sometimes with flashbacks, awareness of the assault sets in and seems all-consuming)
4. Healing (life begins to even out and lots of "work" goes into working through the emotional tumoil as the survivor learns to reclaim her life)
5. Recovery (the assault has a place in the survivor's life and sometimes needs more attention but then takes its place again and the survivor becomes stronger and more hopeful)

I think I am coming out of awareness and moving into healing...in a cycle sortof, like I'm not really all the way finished with one and into the other...I think. There are still flashbacks and dreams but I am learning to deal with them and work through them and try to work through everything that I have been through.

UCSB notes (in the same article linked above) that:

"Recovery from sexual assault is not a smooth, linear process. Although recovery here is presented in 'stages,' a survivor does not move from stage 1 to stage 2 to stage 3 in a simple manner until she is 'recovered' and then leave it all behind. The healing process may be accurately imagined as an upward spiral in which a survivor moves toward recovery, but moves back and forth through the different stages. ... For example, survivors may tap into denial at any time as a way of coping with other life stresses, or a survivor who has recovered greatly may suddenly be overwhelmed by an event and find the rape is consuming her once again. This is completely expected, and is not moving 'backwards' in recovery; rather, it often provides a new perspective on familiar feelings, or an opportunity to work through feelings which may have been too difficult at an earlier time."

I thought this was such an important point. Often we expect (or others do) that once we have worked through some part of the SA, we are "ok" with it and it will no longer bother us, that once we have talked out one aspect of it, it need not be visited again. This is simply not how it works, and expecting the impossible will only result in disappointment and hurt and frustration with the healing process.

Link to Info.

Well, this is the only helpful thing I found tonight so far and I don't have the energy to keep looking. I was trying to find information about what to do when I'm remembering, because I think with all the stress lately it's been happening a lot.

Here's a link to a Pandora's Auarium article in a public forum.

http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=49460

Looking Back at This Year, and What I Learned

I think that 2010 has been one of the most emotionally difficult years of my life. It started off with what I looked at as a "last straw," the last tax on my strength. I soon learned that it wasn't, it was just another bump in the road, and it forced me to take a look at how I'd been dealing with all the other things. Not well. So I started looking at what I could do to heal from all that I'd been through. This has not progressed as well as I'd hoped, but I'm ok with that- all I can do is try harder, think more positive, and remember that it will take time and strength and work.

There's been a lot of ups and downs this year, lots of highs and lows. I learned that it's ok to hurt, as long as it doesn't stop you from living. I learned that  I am strong, that I can work on moving past the bad things. I learned what it's like to feel safe, to really know that nothing bad would happen. (This is a little sad when I think about it, because I don't feel that way all the time, but at least I know it's possible.) I am in the process of learning that I can't justify any of what happened, I can't make it my fault or make it make sense- because it wasn't, and it doesn't. I learned that there are good people, people who will listen and who won't judge and who won't hurt. I also learned that even good people have flaws. And that's ok.

I learned that the only way I'll be ok is if I work at it. Work on healing, on moving past all the CSA and SA and trauma, and on being the person I want to be, not who my family or anyone else wants me to be. I'll be starting the New Year off on a positive note- January 3rd I'm going to my first session with the new support group. I've gotten my books out again and am writing for healing, meditating on self-kindness, doing all the things I should have been doing all year long.

I have only one resolution for the New Year- and that is to leave the negative behind- negative emotions, people, events, etc.- and focus on the positive.

Christmas, and Letting Go

Well we had a really good Christmas here. I got to see my sister who's home from college, and spend time with my other sisters. We also spent time with my grandparents and my boyfriend's parents and brothers- I love his family, they are so kind and fun to be around. Christmases were a good memory for me. My dad would take on other jobs so we could have their definition of a "good" Christmas- and we kids always thought we did. But what really made the Christmases good (and I don't even know if my parents realize this) was the time we got to spend with family, the slow days of school break, the "cheeriness" of Christmas spirit that seemed to linger throughout the house- there was less fighting between my parents, they seemed lighter and happier. And that made things better for us. At Christmastime, I felt safer, didn't feel so much like I was "bad," I felt more like a normal kid.

Sometimes something will trigger and old memory and it's as if this record player goes off in my mind, telling me that I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm weak, I'm a slut, I'm bad, useless, a horrible person, a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a less than good mother, not good for anything... And I stop the record and think, No. No, you know better- you are good, you are OK. And then I find reasons why none of those things are true. Because, they aren't.

So, I have been thinking lately that...why don't I just let it go? Just kindof decide that none of it bothers me anymore. All of it was a long time ago now, so I should most definitely be over it. I should stop being so weak, stop dragging it out, just stop. Why is it that difficult, to just get over it?! It's so frustrating! I'm sure it's frustrating to other people, too, from the outside, when a friend or family member is sortof stuck- for no good reason- in a place that is painful and tiring, and can't seem to let it go. So that's what I'm trying to do, to let it go.

It's in the past, it's over, there is nothing I can change about any of it now and I shouldn't live so restricted because of what I've been through.

I'm going to the support group next Monday the 3rd. Starting to look forward to it, meeting up with other people who have similar stories, taking a positive step toward healing and being able to fully let things go back into the past where they belong.

A Support Group, and Why It's Difficult to Talk About

So, I have "applied" to join a support group. Finally. I hope this works out. Mostly cause I do not think there are any more in nearby cities and I don't want to end up driving a million miles away. Now, once my new insurance forms come in (hopefully correct this time!) I'm going to see a new Dr, my records are in the process of being transferred over there. I seem to have gotten it a little more together :) I have also been looking at jobs. Nothing in the field I'm looking for yet, but I'm still looking.

I am a little nervous about the group, but also feeling a little like a weight has been lifted. Like a bit relieved that I'll be able to listen to other people who have been in similar situations and maybe eventually feel comfortable enough to get some things out, maybe find some understanding, maybe understand my own self a little more and start to feel comfortable in my own skin again. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Going to a group reminds me of a discussion I have been following on Pandy's. About why it's difficult to talk about. So far people have said:

• because of shame and/or guilt
• because we don't want pity and that is a typical reaction
• because putting it out loud makes it more real
• because the words can be triggering
• because we are afraid of what people will think of us

I think all of these are true for me. I guess at some point I'll feel ok enough in the group to talk, right? I think once the words are out, it's ok, it feels a little better (it has to, right?), it's just saying them that is difficult. But I don't even have to worry about this yet because I still have to be "accepted" to the group and go and find out whether I like it and feel safe there for talking.

Seems like, when you take things one day at a time, in little steps, it's much easier.

Some Homework: A Letter

I would like to tell you how I really feel. How much you hurt me, how much you screwed up my thinking. I grew up never feeling good enough, because I wasn't. I was always looking over my shoulder waiting to hear what I'd done wrong. And then there was what you did physically. Which I am so not ready to write about. But I think about it lots. Because of you, I struggle with anger- rage, even. And self esteem, and body image issues, and panic attacks, and flashbacks, and depression. Not all because of you, but in part because of how you are and what you did.

Sometimes I can still feel you. Have you any idea what that's like? I wish you did. I wish you could feel as miserable as I do sometimes, when I'm in the middle of a depressive episode and am thinking everyone would be better off without me, or when I'm in the middle of a flashback and I can actually feel you touching me, or when I wake up from a nightmare in a cold sweat, or even when I'm so angry my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm digging my fingernails into my skin to keep from losing it. Well, I suppose you have felt the last one, haven't you?

There were good times, too, don't get me wrong. But I think knowing there were times when you were good makes it more difficult to deal with the times you weren't. Makes me doubt myself and my own goodness. Makes it difficult to justify how it wasn't my fault. Makes me realize why everyone took your side.

You are done controlling me. I'm a strong adult who can stand on her own two feet. I don't think I'm so very strong yet. But believe me I'm getting there. You got to win for a little while. Now it's my own turn.

CSA and Promiscuity

One experience of being SA'd as a child will teach you things. Several years of it will teach you lots of things and ingrain them into your ways of thinking and seeing the world. One of the biggest ways it's affected my life was by teaching me that my worth lies in sex. So young people who've grown up thinking this end up promiscuous pre-teens and teens and usually young adults, sometimes even older adults. We believe that our sexuality is what makes us important to people, what makes people care about us, stay around us, like us, and love us. And promiscuity has rewards (such as attention, superficial caring,

popularity, sometimes gifts or money) that reinforce these beliefs.

Unfortunately, this promiscuity we adopt as a pattern of meeting our needs (although it doesn't work), also puts us in many situations perfect for revictimization. We flirt a lot, we dress for people to look, we are sexual with people we don't know well, we drink and use drugs to numb ourselves- we create a recipe for sexual assault. And when a revictimization occurs, we know that we, ourselves, got into that situation. It wouldn't have happened if I had/hadn't... There's guilt, self blame, self loathing, shame, which is all terribly difficult to get rid of, even years later. After this, some of us jump right back  into our liftstyle- to prove it didn't bother us, we're "strong," we're not broken, or simply because it's the only way we know to find caring and love, even if it isn't real.

The important thing, I think, is to realize the fucked up patterns and ways of thinking. After that, we can attempt to disarm them. Which is a very difficult thing to do, but I'm sure it can be done ;)

Sex and Love, Love and Sex...?

I apologize in advance if this is not very coherent. I'm working on only a couple hours of sleep and I'm still not feeling well so my writing skills aren't really in tip-top shape tonight. I thought this picture was appropriate because it's often how thinking about sex and love makes me feel- torn, broken, ruined, sad...


I'm confused about a whole mess of things and my views of some things, like sex and love, are maybe a little fucked up. Which is maybe normal given what's gone on in my life- I don't think you live through CSA and multiple SAs without some distorted views of how things like love and sex work, right?


I don't even really know completely what I do think about "making love" versus "having sex." Except that I know very much about one and hardly anything about the other. Sometimes I think that sex and love have little to do with each other; that there's nothing loving about sex itself- it's just something that you have to do to get to love. Because no one (at least, not anyone male) is going to love you unless you put out. So even though I don't see how sex is loving, you can't get to love without sex.


My brain says, this is ridiculous; not all men are the same, you know your views on this are all twisted. But another part of me also says don't be an idiot and ignore what experience has taught you- you think the way you do for a reason. ... I guess that's all I got on the sex versus love stuff tonight.


I think I am also confused about what I need right now to be ok. To get better, stop the bad habits and get healthy. Maybe I only need some guidance and reassurance. Maybe I need more. Maybe old habits are just getting in the way. Maybe I am just a stupid slut after all. Maybe I don't actually deserve to know the difference. Maybe the stupid support group was right and I am scared to let myself be "ok" because being in crisis mode is so familiar and I'm so used to it. I have no idea what to think tonight.

Warning- Time to Write About the Early Stuff

I might not "publish" this post. I might delete it. Or I might save it and do something with it later. But right now I'm feeling horribly sick and am a little drugged and just need to get some things out.

When I was little, I don't know how old because it was happening ever since I can remember, my dad would come into my room at night. Sometimes I would be asleep and I'd wake up when he started. Other times, I'd be awake, heart pounding, dreading the moment I heard his footsteps coming down the hallway. He would usually smell like a bar- like beer, liquor, and stale chips mixed with cigarette smoke. I would never move, I'd pretend I was sleeping. I was scared. He was angry sometimes after he'd been drinking; I heard him and my mother fighting countless times after he got home from the bar. I was also ashamed. I blamed (blame?) myself, told myself I was dirty, bad, should behave better...why else would he do it? His hand would slide under the sheets and up the nightgown. Always a nightgown. Is it weird that I even now so many years later I usually sleep in shorts or pants?

Usually it was just touching. Other times...other times it was "worse." "Worse" with quotes because...can you compare any of it in that way?

When he was done, he would leave. I don't think he ever said a word. Which I think is part of the guilt/self-blame I have. He never threatened, never told me not to tell. So why did I wait so long to do it?

I feel sick just writing about it. But I've been wanting to talk about it for a while now...with work, working with him, seeing him almost every day, the dreams of it have gotten a little worse (as the dreams of the other things have gotten a little less frequent), the flashbacks have started again. I think maybe it would be good to talk about it, to get some of it out. But I'm still ashamed. Even in an empty room, trying to say it out loud, I end up feeling like an idiot because I just can't do it.

"Fatherly" Protection

Now, I think it's safe to say that some of Freud's work is looked at by a fair number of contemporary psychs as a little... outdated? However, much of it has also formed the basis for many current psych theories and is still used today. One thing that Freud said, that I like, was "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." I'm not sure why I'm attached to that quote, but it stuck with me. I like the idea of letting children know that they'll be protected, kept safe from harm, that someone reliable and safe is watching out for them. Of course, Moms do this, but it's often Dads that are seen as the "family protectors" since they're...well...men, and are usually stronger, bigger, better built for protecting, all that kind of stuff.

I was thinking, first, that maybe part of the reason I have issues feeling safe is because some sort of childhood need was not only not taken care of, but was broken by the person who was supposed to be protecting. (Does that make sense?) I think that when a parent hurts their child, clearly, the kid takes a pretty hard beating psychologically. Well, now I'm almost 25 and still having feeling safe issues. Time to get over that I suppose.

I was also thinking that, in my own childhood, there was a certain extent of protection from my father. However, it never felt like it was because he wanted to keep us safe from harm or anything like that. It was because we were his. And no one was going to mess with his girls.

If Your Injuries Could Speak...

...what would they say?

A healing exercise I found on Pandy's, which...I haven't really been visiting lately because it's been too triggering. I went today to look for some ideas for journaling exercises to get words out, and decided to give this one a try. It was titled "Letting Your Pain Speak," and that's sortof what I'm trying to do, to get it out, so it doesn't threaten me from inside anymore.

I don't really have "visible" injuries most days anymore, but if they could speak, what would they say?

She's scared.

She hurts, enough to take it out on herself.

She hates herself, her body, her memories.

She is so angry, but has no idea what to do with her anger; she only knows that she's scared to let it unleash the way anger has been unleashed on her.

She feels dirty and ashamed, for what's happened to her and for not making it stop.

She feels guilty for being such a burden to the few people who she let in, who are safe, who care; part of her wants to push them away so they just won't have to deal with her ups and downs anymore.

She thinks sometimes, maybe by destroying her body, she can destroy the negative things she believes about herself.

She has so much she wants to say, but she's scared to talk about it, but not talking is killing her.

She is not ok, everyday is a battle.

She can't take anymore disbelief, belittling, unreliability, insanity.

Her confidence is broken down, she doesn't see good or worth in herself.

She needs love and caring- to be shown love and caring, not told it; she's heard the words enough and words no longer mean anything.

So, if my injuries could speak, that's what they would say. Except a few of them, I think they would have screamed, not said.

Growing Up with An Alcoholic

So, I don't think of this as a "big deal," lots of people grow up in families with an alcoholic. I do think that this played a part, perhaps a small one, in the secret-keeping about the SA, and in my thinking about my own self, as well as serving as a basis for some behaviors that have become so ingrained they're part of me: my avoidance of anything that might cause disapproval from others, my need to clean up other people's messes, to take care of people, to be "perfect," not to mention other issues I sure as hell don't feel like getting into right now.

I found a wonderful way to sum up how many alcoholic families work- mine included (or, how it worked when he was drinking, though some of these still ring true)- a quote from author Stephanie Brown (from http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=144): "The alcoholic family has been described broadly as one of chaos, inconsistency, unpredictability, unclear rules, arbitrariness, changing limits, arguments, repetitious and illogical thinking, and perhaps violence and incest." And another interesting thing I found was a proposed set of "rules" that people who grow up in alcoholic families learn (from author Claudia Black, in same article linked above): don't trust, don't feel, and don't talk. How true these were. I was dumb enough to break the first and the last, and it got me right into foster care. Which, maybe was what I needed.

Still struggling tonight...Thanksgiving coming up, a holiday with lots of family and lots of food- two problems! Well, the best way to keep peoples' eyes off your own plate and to seem happy and normal is to make yummy food to heap onto other peoples' plates, so that's what I'll be doing. Wednesday is going to be a busy night for me.

Eating, and Other Things Related

This eating thing is more difficult than I thought it would be. About two years ago, my boyfriend's cholesterol was borderline high so I got into some really good grocery shopping and cooking habits- whole grains, lots of fruits and veggies, lean meats, no frying, fewer processed foods, that sort of stuff. But I never really ate good myself; mostly because I really only eat one meal a day- dinner- and maybe a snack for lunch. So, in my effort to start eating "real" food for lunch (as opposed to only an apple or some crackers), I started getting some of that frozen crap, you know Healthy Choice or whatever, and it sucks. And my boyfriend has this whole spiel about how it's not even healthy because it's so processed and has so many preservatives in it. (Shhh, he's probably right.) Whatever, so I'm not eating it anymore. I think I'll start doing salad for lunch. Maybe with chicken? Definitely with some cheese.

Breakfast is a whole other can of beans...let's add one meal at a time, thank you, and not get paranoid of getting fat in the process. Adding lunch has proven difficult enough right now... Is it completely insane, the guilty feelings surrounding eating? Who feels guilt about eating, something we must do to survive and stay healthy? I have some theories about where it came from. Feeling like I don't even deserve to be healthy, feeling like I have to be "perfect" and eating too much might get me fat, and all of this was most definitely compounded in the foster home I was in. Sooooo many issues there, all of which have served to lower my self esteem, undermine my quest to be a normal person, and some of which have aided in rendering my eating into the "disordered" category for a long time now.

But, given my new found strength (not sure where I found it, probably where the missing socks go) I'm not going to give up on this eating thing. Or the self esteem thing. I think it would be ok to put on like 5 pounds. Clothes would still fit, and my doctor probably would stop yelling at me once a year when I go. Keep going, keep eating, and start taking vitamins, too. One day at a time. That's my plan. I think I'm going to be ok :)

Questions to Ask Yourself Before You SI

I found this tonight (on Pandy's) and thought it was a good resource. Exercises like this can be helpful when you're in pain and feeling the temptation to SI.

Questions to ask yourself before you SI (self-injure), and my answers, for tonight:

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself- what brought me to this point? I have to go back to work tomorrow, with my dad. When he's showing my something on the computer, I just think, "those are the same hands that...nope- I'm not letting myself go there, not now." The work itself isn't bad, being around him isn't bad, it's not letting myself remember that is the problem, because sometimes the memories just come flooding in, and there isn't much I can do to stop them.
Also, I need to talk. But I can't find my voice. So I stuff things inside. That's ok, I'm used to doing that, and later, I might journal about what's bugging me. Much easier to keep it to myself and look strong.
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? Yup, I've been here before. Sometimes I cut, then I feel relief- if only in the short-term. Other times, I write, I cry, I talk, I take a bubble bath. And those things don't feel as good as cutting in the short-term, but longer-term I do feel better because I didn't hurt myself, I dealt with things in a healthier way.
3. What have I done to ease the discomfort so far, and what else can I do that won't hurt me? Well...I found these questions, and I'm answering them...that is distracting at least. I could read Outlander, or go take a bubble bath, most likely I'll do both.
4. How do I feel right now? I hurt, and I'm angry.
5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself? If you have never self-injured, this probably sounds absurd. But if I go cut, I'll feel relief, adrenaline, a wave of calm, followed by a short period of numbness.
6. How will I feel after I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? When it's over, I'll feel slightly numb, a little more relaxed, but disappointed in myself. In the morning, I'll wish I hadn't done it, I'll feel weak and ashamed.
7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I think trying meditation or writing or drawing before it gets to the point that I feel tempted to hurt myself would be dealing with it much better.
8. Do I need to hurt myself? No...no one ever needs to.
So...what I'm going to do is go take a hot bubble bath, with a nice mud mask facial, and then hop into a warm bed and read. Because I'm not SI'ing tonight. There are healthier ways to deal with my crap.

And work tomorrow won't be so bad...knowing that when my student loan bills come in, we'll be able to pay them, is good.

Article Published

Yay my article "What Survivors of Sexual Assault Want you to Know" was "published" on Associated Content:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5917018/what_survivors_of_sexual_assault_want.html?cat=5

I'm a little excited. I even get paid for it :)

Taken from my own sketchbook. Looks like my scanner is biting the dust....

I did some drawing and watercolor painting this evening. I had to, had to do something. The lonliness and stress were eating away at me and my hands and heart have been itching to be creative for a while now. Mostly gesture drawings, because it's quick, easy, emotional, and sometimes messy. I am so stressed/scared/nervous about the interview tomorrow that I actually have a sore throat. The associate director of the place doing the hiring- I have worked for them before- called me the other day and told me who would be there, what they would ask, what I should emphasize and what projects I should mention; she sounded like she wanted me to get the job, which made me feel good. So I made flashcards (what a nerd, I know) about what was important so that I can practice what I need to say and whatnot and I'm not sounding like a nervous idiot tomorrow. There's going to be four people in on the interview (two I know- a man and a woman, two I do not- both men...at least I won't be the only female, right?) and it could last up to a half hour. That seems like a long time. I better find some more things to say.

Thinking Positive

Can't really bring myself to write much except I'm trying to be positive. Things have been pretty rough right now, with final papers and relationship issues and anger problems. But I'm sick of being myself, so I'm trying really hard to think positively and change. I wish I was seeing my therapist sooner because I really need to talk. But I'm not, so I'll just have to deal with it. Maybe with drugs. Just kidding. Kindof.

Healing Exercise from Pandy's

Complete the sentences:

• I am: so much more than I give myself credit for.
• I want: to smile, and mean it.
• I wish: so much didn't have to be a secret, because it's tiring.
• I hate: that I don't hate him.
• I miss: I can't actually finish this one.
• I fear: nights, noises, intimacy.
• I hear: the unkind words in my dreams. But also the kind ones, when I'm awake.
• I wonder: if he's sorry.
• I regret: not telling sooner.
• I am not: what was done to me.
• I dance: only when I am very drunk at friends' Christmas parties.
• I sing: in the car.
• I cry: at night, most nights, as quietly as I can.
• I am not always: ok when I say I am.
• I make with my hands: representations of how I see the world, but sometimes they are disturbing. And cookies, which are not.
• I write: in my journal, almost every night.
• I confuse: people's busyness with uncaring.
• I need: to take better care of myself.
• I should: think positive.

Things I Would Ask for Help With, if I was Brave Enough

• Saying what I need or want
• Standing up for myself when something isn't right
• Managing the anger
• Taking things too seriously or thinking that when things are wrong, it's because of me
• Having fun (I know, it's actually dumb that that is on this list)
• Assuming that I'm not good enough

Perhaps I will print this out and bring it to therapy. So much going on right now with school and possibly a new job and my daughter's (lack of) potty training...it's causing me so much anxiety that my body is freaking out in some really weird ways. My head feels like it's falling or something, for a second or so, every so often. More often when I'm tired or trying to focus visually on something. It's been going on for a few days; at first it was really scary, now it's just frustrating and making me feel sick. My eyes are also really weird. When I shut them, it feels like they are still open, like they are dry or something. And I haven't been sleeping at all. I tried to get a Dr's appointment, but she is out of town for the week and the receptionist said I'd have to go to the emergency room. Well, it's not an emergency really. I do want it taken care of, like, yesterday, but it's not an emergency. I had a mini-breakdown after that phone call. I want to feel better! I think (I hope) after my last paper is in a week from today, I'll be feeling fine. We'll see.

Some Interesting Writings

Some interesting things I found relating to some issues I'm going through, and wanted to share with you guys:

• Continuing relationships with an abusive family- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=137562
• Why self-harm- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=105561

That's all for now. Having a rough night I guess. Lots of stress with schoolwork, and when there's stress coming from everywhere it gets a little more difficult to control the bad memories. There is too much to do and not enough time, my dad is bringing up all kinds of horrible memories and feelings, and everything just hurts.

A Candid Talk with My Sister...

So...my oldest younger sister and I were talking today. It was just the two of us (and my daughter, who was off playing). We were talking about the aunt who is up, how when I first told about the CSA, she came up to be there for my dad- her brother- and how at one point in the few days after I told, she came into my room and started yelling at me about how I was ruining my family, did I understand what I was doing to my family, and on and on. When she was done, I was (of course) really upset, I went upstairs to my mom, crying, and told her what happened; my mom said she didn't know the aunt was yelling at me, she hadn't heard it from where she was in the house. Well, when my sister and I were talking today and this came up, she said (something like) "Yeah, I was so upset when she started yelling at you, I was crying and I went upstairs and told Mom." Um...excuse me, Mom said she didn't know about this incident. My sister said, "No, that's bullshit, I went up and told her about it, I was really upset." So not only did my mother not believe me about the CSA, but she let my aunt completely bully me at a time when I was already really vulnerable. Nice, thank you Mom. I'm kindof angry about this, though I know there's no point in being angry about it now. Actually, I think I'm more hurt than I am angry.

At another point in my conversation with my sister, I said that I didn't care who believed me about the "stuff with dad" (that is usually how it is referred to, or "the crap with Jessica"). And you know what she said? Quick background- she has never said she believes me; in fact after I told and my dad had to leave the house for a few months because of Child Protective Services or whatever, she was really mad at me for saying what I said and causing him to leave. She said that I shouldn't care who believes me because I know what happened. I was dumbfounded. I sorta expected...well, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn't that. It really made me feel good, unjudged. It was so nice to have such a good conversation with her. Her and my middle younger sister (I have three younger sisters) and I have been talking a lot lately about family, about our parents, about ourselves, and it's been really nice.

Aside from all that, it's been a rough few days, but I'm doing what I have to do. Lots of homework to take my mind off things, finding new ways to keep myself grounded when I feel The Panic setting in.

Oops, I Forgot One

In my last blog entry, I forgot to list a way that I coped- still cope. A big way. I'm a super-organized control freak. Everything has a place and belongs there all the time. Please don't move it. If you do end up moving it, please dust underneath where it was. Then put it back exactly the way you found it. And as far as being a control freak... if we have plans for the weekend, I will write them down in my planner in pen. And if I have to change them...watch out. And please don't make things last minute, or I might cry. I'm just kidding- I'm not that bad.

But it is bad enough to be annoying. Perhaps moreso for people around me than for me- but make no mistake, I get annoyed by it, too. It's tiring needing everything clean and neat and in it's place and going-as-planned.

So where does this come from? Hmmm... Fear of failing somehow- things have to be perfect, maybe to keep up the facade? Fear of chaos and things being out of control- growing up, there were times when things were out of control in a real sense; this is probably true in most families where one parent has alcohol issues. (Notice I did not say where one parent is an alcoholic right there, have issues with that word.) Fear of not being in control- I had control taken away from me in a lot of ways, very bad and hurtful ways, and now I have to be in control or I feel like things are slipping away and I get panicky.

Just another thing to work on, I suppose.

Writing Exercise: Honoring the Ways You Coped

How did I cope with the CSA? Lots of ways, really, depending on the stage of my life I was in.

I forgot or minimized lots of what happened, and made up rationalizations for the rest. I know now that this was to protect my younger self from being completely destroyed by what was going on. I still do this sometimes- it wasn't that bad, it could have been worse, it was me, he did it because I was bad...and so on.

When I started to really "know" that things had happened, with memories, one way in which I coped was by presenting a facade to the outside world. I was a "good" kid, got mostly A's in school, took advanced classes, joined clubs, helped people, worked, went to church... pleased everyone I could and acted like things were perfect. While on the inside, I was screaming for help.

Another way I coped was by hurting myself. I cut myself, not really deep enough to leave scars, but enough to bleed, enough to feel. I became hypervigilant about my eating and often skipped meals. I became quite promiscuous, using sex and sexuality to meet lots of needs.

One of the healthier ways that I coped was tapping into my creativity. I wrote a lot of poetry, and created a lot of art. Painting, drawing, sketching, inking, sculpture, anything that I could use to express what was going on inside.

When I left foster care at the age of 19, I got pregnant soon after and wanted to be a "part of the family" again. But how could I do this with everything that had happened? I put things in a closet in my mind, and ignored it all. I guess this also goes along with that facade I was presenting to the outside. From the outside, everything was ok- I was a good mom, in school, doing well; but it became impossible to keep ignoring things. Which is why I returned to therapy earlier this year.

Currently, I am coping by reminding myself that I am ok, that I am doing good things to work through this, by talking to the people I trust. I intend to go back to being creative, just have to force myself to find the time and get over my "it's been so long!" fears. Yes, sometimes I still skip meals- for the control, the pain, or to punish myself- and yes, sometimes I think about cutting, sometimes I just sit and cry. But for the most part, I have found much healthier ways to cope- and to go beyond coping to dealing with it, so that I can get better.

Honoring the ways I coped... Well, I think I have already done this. I'm not really ashamed of anything I did to cope anymore. I survived some horrible things, and I made it through. I'm here. I used whatever I could and did the only things I knew to make it here. And I can honor that.

It's a Long Road, but I Won't Stop Walking

What do you do when you've been through hell? When you aren't sure how to cope and you end up hurting yourself and those around you?

Or when you feel stuck in the dark places of your mind, not sure you're strong enough to climb out?

I'm learning that you just keep going. Because none of it is the end of the world. You can't undo things that you've been through, but you can learn how to live with them and not let them define you. You can't take away things you've done, but you can say you're sorry to the people you hurt, forgive yourself, and do better.

Change is difficult, and scary. But I think it's finally hit me that I want to change. I don't want to dwell on the bad things, or hurt people I care about, or feel trapped in my own head. I know this sounds pretty screwed up, but I think that somewhere I felt that as long as I had issues, someone would care. So I didn't try as hard as I could to get better. But the people who really care, will still care when I'm "ok." It's comfortable here in a way, because it's what I'm used to. But I just can't do it anymore; it isn't what I want for myself, for my daughter, or for my boyfriend.

The past couple days have been killer, but I'm going to keep going forward. Because that's the only thing to do.

Writing Exercise: The Effects of the CSA...

...on my self-worth:

• I am worthless, or close to it
• I twist my self-worth to depend on the people I care about, so the smallest, most unintentional slight is taken with too much sensitivity
• I don't deserve to be cared for
• I am dirty, and bad
• I am at fault

...on my relationships:

• I trust people I shouldn't too quickly, and people I should, not enough
• I am emotionally needy, seeking constant reassurance that someone cares
• At the same time, I push people away, testing their caring
• Relationships with my parents are superficial
• Relationships with my sisters...were strained; now, they are better, but I am still unsure about how they really feel toward me

...on my views about sex:

• Sex is easily used for power
• Sex is easily made to be about control
• Sex is painful and causes guilt
• Sex is a way to make people want and/or need you, to make them want to be close to you

...on my life in positive ways- what strengths have I gained?

• For all my emotional neediness, I am pretty self-sufficient- I know how to run a household and take care of a family
• I am compassionate and empathetic
• I am not broken, even with all I have been through- this shows me that I am strong
• I know how not to parent

Writing Exercise from: Bass, E. and Davis, L. (2008). The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of CSA. (4th Ed.). New York: Harper.

The Dream

When I was little, I used to have this recurring nightmare. I would be in my room, and I knew that "Superman" (this is what I called him, but he was blond) was coming to find me. Frantically, I would hide under my bed, always behind my box of barbie stuff. And then he would come into my room and start looking, but I would always wake up before he found me.

I haven't had this dream in a long time. Now they are pretty much either completely weird (for example, my sisters are putting pet turtles in plastic shopping bags to carry them, and I am freaking out that the turtles can't breathe), or terrifying.

And...I had planned to write more, but that's about all I can handle right now.