Frustrated!

I am just so frustrated with parts of my current living situation! I love, love, love my job and it IS a great professional job with good benefits and above-average pay. However, I am having a hard time making ends meet. The BF (with whom I recently moved in, with each of our daughters) is very positive and has been working extra hours and such, and has offered to watch my daughter if I wanted to start a second job to earn more income. But the fact that I am seeing people, other single parents, who have so much disposable income, in part because they are being unfair to their exes in terms of child support or other reasons, after I worked SO hard for my education and my job has been really, really frustrating. I realize that I'm being silly and jealous and childish. But I have worked SO, so, so hard to get where I am and it's still not good enough! When will I be good enough? When I have yet another degree? A second job? A prettier face? A better figure? I am just so irritable and angry lately and I don't know how to fix things and I am tired, so tired. I am hoping to be able to post an update this week.

Trust issues and discomfort with things going well

So...it is clear that in relationships I have trust issues. Even if there is absolutely no reason for me to distrust someone, I still have trouble completely trusting. And when things are going well, that's when I freak out. Things don't go well for me- they just don't, when things are going well it just means that they will hit the wall soon. So...these things in combo..means that when a relationship is going well..I freak out and look for any little reason to push someone away. Even if that means doing things that include violating their privacy to find reasons to push them away. Why? Well, my history..life has taught me that trusting is fucking stupid and will get you hurt. Being raised in an environment (and this goes for my foster parents as well) where, for your own safety you simply cannot trust the people who are supposed to protect and care for you..well, it fucks up your ways of thinking. And it just snowballs from there. People totally violate your trust, hurt you, etc, and you are just generally distrustful.

But that does not excuse my behavior or the ways in which I handle things. How do I fucking handle this better??? Today I kindof realized that I need to learn to trust and just trust. Because without trust, it can't work, we all know that. I'm scared to trust someone fully. Really scared. But I have to suck it up and do it. Because I care about the relationship I'm currently in, because I want it to work out, because I am stronger than my past. Because I deserve to have things go well. I also deserve to be treated with honesty and respect and kindness. Things have been hard but the past couple weeks I have actually been taking good care of myself, being strong, being calmer..with the exception of Monday, yesterday and today. I need to be able to express my feelings and let things out (bottling them up is never good) and get back on track. I know that I can do this. I am strong and intelligent and overall a pretty good person ;)

Taking Care of Me

So lately I'm having a hard time doing the things I need to be doing to keep myself healthy. With the IBS and HPV my Dr said I really need to be quitting smoking, working out, and eating well. Well...the quitting smoking isn't working out well at all. I'm hoping my Dr can/will prescribe me Chantix but I know it can be bad for those with depression so I'm not sure she'll think it's a good idea. The working out..I have no motivation because (a) I'm tired all the time and (b) I'm already a healthy weight for my height so it's difficult for me to want to exercise or find motivation because it's not a visible need. And the eating well..I am still not eating enough calories. This is something I have struggled with on and off for years. Disordered eating. I also likely drink more than is healthy; on a normal night it's 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine. To be fair, I do have a really high alcohol tolerance - I don't even feel the wine until the third glass or so. But I really am having a difficult time lately and lowering my alcohol intake is not something I am willing to do right now. It is a crutch I know but it is a crutch I need while living with my parents.

I am really looking forward to my Dr's appointment next week. I am hoping some antidepressants will help and get me feeling like a normal person again. I hate needing help and support. I hate the panic. I hate the shame and feeling like maybe it was my fault. I hate needing to talk. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me. I hate feeling like I need so badly to talk about it and be understood and feeling like I can't because what I've been through is disgusting and shitty and horrible and I don't deserve to be listened to. I think I need to find a productive way to get rid of this hate...

Feelings..and a Tattoo

I think part of my problem is that I've been feeling like the issues I face are too much, too abnormal, especially for people I'm close to. Then I feel like I'm too abnormal. Too disgusting. Too shamed. I try to remind myself that of course I'm not normal- what I have been through is terribly abnormal. But that doesn't mean that I myself am terrible or horrible or dirty or unlovable or gross. It just means I have to deal with things most people don't. I'm getting a tattoo soon meaning "strength of the soul" - a good reminder to myself that I am strong. Even when I need help and support.

Feeling very vulnerable lately

So it's been a tough month and I just need to write. I started a new job the end of January and there's been some triggers there and it's just been stressful. It's a job I really wanted, and I'm really enjoying it, it has just been a stressful transition. I've been pretty depressed and feeling very vulnerable and really wanting to cut. On top of that, things at home continue to be difficult. I'm feeling really like I have to act like everything is fine and can't talk about the things that are bothering me with the people who I'd really just like to talk about it with. Which kind of leaves me feeling hurt and resentful and not wanting to trust. I feel like asking for help is so difficult and you can only do it so many times and be rejected before you just take on this attitude of fine, I don't need your help anyway - I don't actually need anyone's help and I'll manage perfectly fine on my own. Except that isn't how it works, you don't manage perfectly fine. You try harder at not feeling feelings - ironic, being that feelings were something you worked so hard to feel! - you start not talking about anything that even remotely bothers you, you put a bandaid on everything you're struggling with and act like things are ok when in fact, on the inside, you are screaming and wishing, hoping that someone would hear you. Enter more hurt and resentment. It is just really difficult and I simply want to feel heard and supported and loved. I'm going to see my doctor in a week and a half for sleep issues and depression issues...hoping she'll have something to help.