Some Things I am Struggling With

The topomax I'm on for migraine prevention has my appetite wayyy down. I can eat lunch and that's it, and I'm not hungry the rest of the day. I try to force myself to eat a little dinner, so I don't lose too much weight, and because I want to set a good example for my daughter...but when I weigh myself and I see the numbers falling, I get that old feeling back. The being extra careful about what I eat (and, especially- what I don't eat), the struggling to not let on there's a problem, the small, beaten down voice within that whispers "You don't control me...you can't make me eat, you can't make me listen, you can't make me pretty or desirable or healthy...you can't you can't you can't." So even though I am not starving myself, I am finding myself facing an old struggle...odd, no?
Another thing I am struggling with recently is a fear of saying no. (See Overcoming the Fear of Saying No (Pandy's) -that article gives reasons why survivors struggle with this and how to deal with it, and is also added to the resources tab.) I think I'm struggling with this for lots of reasons...and it kindof makes everything else a little tougher.

Aghh!. It's been a tough few days. Just wanna scream.

Also, see "What is RTS?" Secton in Matt Atkinson's Book...

There is also a good section on RTS in Matt Atkinson's book Resurrection After Rape (it's also linked in the Resources tab), toward the end of page 22 (if you're using the .pdf reader page finder, it'll be page 24).

Frustrated and Upset and RTS?

So frustrated with the memories and psychosomoatic symptoms. Frustrated/upset with myself. Just. Be. Over. It. It is so simple... And yet...it's not. Tried writing some things down for counseling tomorrow. AGH! I cannot do it. Tried asking myself how I felt - please, just feel something- just don't be so goddamned numb about it all. But nothing.

I can't take being at work anymore! I can't take being at home anymore! I want- I need- my own place. Not just the memories...my parents are so negative. I don't need to be around that! And I don't want my daughter around that! She is 4- she should be learning that the world is full of fun things to do and explore and learn.

This morning...I hurt. I think actually I feel something, and it hurts. Part of me wants to break down and cry and cut and yell and cry some more...but I won't. I haven't cried in a while...not sure I could manage it. No need to go feeling weak anyways.

Also kinda wondering about RTS. Read a few articles about it. Put one in the resources tab: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html

Anxious

A little anxious today, panicky...can't breathe very well, lungs are tight. Trying to do some grounding exercises (see the Resources tab)...agh.

Adding a "Resources" Tab

Ok so since there have been a lot of useful resources here that have gotten "lost" among the other posts, and since my readership has grown quite a bit over the last year and a few months and I want everyone to be able to easily access those resources, I've decided to make a separate tab page for them. I'll list them with links in alphabetical order for easy finding. It may take me a little while to get them all up, so please bear with me :)

New Med, Memory, and Resources

I am on a new medication to prevent migraines; it's an anti-epileptic. And wow does it screw me up. It makes me fuzzy-headed, I sometimes can't think of the right word I'm looking for, I'm forgetful, dizzy, sluggish, food and drink has an "odd" taste, and I don't have much of an appetite. These are all common side effects, and I'm hoping that after a few weeks, as my system gets used to the medication, they'll go away- or at least lessen. To have fewer migraines, I'm willing to deal with a lot :) But in the meantime, I'm a little down. I'm intelligent, well educated...I'm not used to being like this, to having to ask, hey..what's that word...? Feeling slow or dumb..brings me back I guess. And I'm really having a hard time.

And on that note, there's a  new sentence in my journal. The one and only sentence in the journal that is a telling of an event, a memory, a part of my story, rather than my analysis, my thoughts, my rambling. It sits alone on the page, trailing off, begging me to erase it. Because it burns, each moment it's there down on the paper. The shame and guilt and all the things I know I'm supposed to feel but can't- the anger and betrayal and hurt...it all churns around, searing my insides, but my mind says- if you erase it, in some twisted way, he wins, because writing that one sentence is one step closer to telling your story. So it's out, and you can forget it, leave it, turn the page.

Lastly, I had a reader ask me for links to some resources that they couldn't find again, so here they are :)  (I realize that sometimes when I put resources up here they can get lost in with the other posts so if you ever want me to re-post any resources you've seen up here that you can't find again- just send a message or comment and I'll be glad to!)-

A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman Who Has Been Raped (Matt Atkinson)

Article about Adult Survivors Continuing Relationships with the Abusive Family (Pandy's)

Tips for Friends and Family of Survivors (Pandy's)

I would also like to throw in here that if you are really close to someone who is a survivor and have a lot of questions or think you would benefit from networking online with other supporters of survivors, I would recommend Pandora's Aquarium (http://www.pandys.org/index.html). Even if you don't think you would benefit that much- I encourage you to give it a try. You can sign up as a Secondary Survivor (the supporter- someone close to- a survivor) and have access to some great forums and support from other secondaries. As survivors of sexual violence, we have a lot of emotional issues to work through, and those who support us certainly don't come out without needing to talk, vent, and find some support of their own. Pandy's can be a good place for that.