Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Good Doesn't Necessarily Cancel Out The Bad

So I spent a little time this morning on Pandy's, responding to people's posts, trying to offer a little support or encouragement, when I realized something. For a while I have been struggling with good memories I have of my childhood and of my father; it wasn't always bad- we had lots of good times. It's difficult for me to place the blame of the CSA on him when there are good things I remember and good things about him- he isn't this completely evil monster, he has lots of qualities that people think of as good. So this is where part of my self-blame comes from, I look at it like here's this man who is really an ok guy, a good person in some ways, so it must have been me. The good memories and the good qualities he possesses makes it really difficult for me to (a) be angry with him for the CSA, (b) believe the CSA was his fault and not mine, (c) see that I didn't deserve it...and so on.

So today I read a post on Pandy's from a woman going through a similar mental struggle- and then it sortof just hit me... all it takes is that ONE time someone hurts you, and no amount of good qualities or memories can "cancel" that out. As soon as that line is crossed the first time, the person isn't all "good" anymore- but that doesn't mean he is all "bad" either. Clearly, obviously, people are both- we all are. My father has good qualities, but he also SA'd me for years. I don't have to mentally label him as good or bad, because it's ok for me to see him as both.

Ok this probably all sounds obvious and silly. But it was kindof a big "lightbulb" moment for me, realizing that  just because there are good things about him doesn't make the bad things he did ok. I think this is a really good step in my path to really seeing it as not my fault, not something I deserved.