Frustrated!

I am just so frustrated with parts of my current living situation! I love, love, love my job and it IS a great professional job with good benefits and above-average pay. However, I am having a hard time making ends meet. The BF (with whom I recently moved in, with each of our daughters) is very positive and has been working extra hours and such, and has offered to watch my daughter if I wanted to start a second job to earn more income. But the fact that I am seeing people, other single parents, who have so much disposable income, in part because they are being unfair to their exes in terms of child support or other reasons, after I worked SO hard for my education and my job has been really, really frustrating. I realize that I'm being silly and jealous and childish. But I have worked SO, so, so hard to get where I am and it's still not good enough! When will I be good enough? When I have yet another degree? A second job? A prettier face? A better figure? I am just so irritable and angry lately and I don't know how to fix things and I am tired, so tired. I am hoping to be able to post an update this week.

Trust issues and discomfort with things going well

So...it is clear that in relationships I have trust issues. Even if there is absolutely no reason for me to distrust someone, I still have trouble completely trusting. And when things are going well, that's when I freak out. Things don't go well for me- they just don't, when things are going well it just means that they will hit the wall soon. So...these things in combo..means that when a relationship is going well..I freak out and look for any little reason to push someone away. Even if that means doing things that include violating their privacy to find reasons to push them away. Why? Well, my history..life has taught me that trusting is fucking stupid and will get you hurt. Being raised in an environment (and this goes for my foster parents as well) where, for your own safety you simply cannot trust the people who are supposed to protect and care for you..well, it fucks up your ways of thinking. And it just snowballs from there. People totally violate your trust, hurt you, etc, and you are just generally distrustful.

But that does not excuse my behavior or the ways in which I handle things. How do I fucking handle this better??? Today I kindof realized that I need to learn to trust and just trust. Because without trust, it can't work, we all know that. I'm scared to trust someone fully. Really scared. But I have to suck it up and do it. Because I care about the relationship I'm currently in, because I want it to work out, because I am stronger than my past. Because I deserve to have things go well. I also deserve to be treated with honesty and respect and kindness. Things have been hard but the past couple weeks I have actually been taking good care of myself, being strong, being calmer..with the exception of Monday, yesterday and today. I need to be able to express my feelings and let things out (bottling them up is never good) and get back on track. I know that I can do this. I am strong and intelligent and overall a pretty good person ;)

Taking Care of Me

So lately I'm having a hard time doing the things I need to be doing to keep myself healthy. With the IBS and HPV my Dr said I really need to be quitting smoking, working out, and eating well. Well...the quitting smoking isn't working out well at all. I'm hoping my Dr can/will prescribe me Chantix but I know it can be bad for those with depression so I'm not sure she'll think it's a good idea. The working out..I have no motivation because (a) I'm tired all the time and (b) I'm already a healthy weight for my height so it's difficult for me to want to exercise or find motivation because it's not a visible need. And the eating well..I am still not eating enough calories. This is something I have struggled with on and off for years. Disordered eating. I also likely drink more than is healthy; on a normal night it's 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine. To be fair, I do have a really high alcohol tolerance - I don't even feel the wine until the third glass or so. But I really am having a difficult time lately and lowering my alcohol intake is not something I am willing to do right now. It is a crutch I know but it is a crutch I need while living with my parents.

I am really looking forward to my Dr's appointment next week. I am hoping some antidepressants will help and get me feeling like a normal person again. I hate needing help and support. I hate the panic. I hate the shame and feeling like maybe it was my fault. I hate needing to talk. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me. I hate feeling like I need so badly to talk about it and be understood and feeling like I can't because what I've been through is disgusting and shitty and horrible and I don't deserve to be listened to. I think I need to find a productive way to get rid of this hate...

Feelings..and a Tattoo

I think part of my problem is that I've been feeling like the issues I face are too much, too abnormal, especially for people I'm close to. Then I feel like I'm too abnormal. Too disgusting. Too shamed. I try to remind myself that of course I'm not normal- what I have been through is terribly abnormal. But that doesn't mean that I myself am terrible or horrible or dirty or unlovable or gross. It just means I have to deal with things most people don't. I'm getting a tattoo soon meaning "strength of the soul" - a good reminder to myself that I am strong. Even when I need help and support.

Feeling very vulnerable lately

So it's been a tough month and I just need to write. I started a new job the end of January and there's been some triggers there and it's just been stressful. It's a job I really wanted, and I'm really enjoying it, it has just been a stressful transition. I've been pretty depressed and feeling very vulnerable and really wanting to cut. On top of that, things at home continue to be difficult. I'm feeling really like I have to act like everything is fine and can't talk about the things that are bothering me with the people who I'd really just like to talk about it with. Which kind of leaves me feeling hurt and resentful and not wanting to trust. I feel like asking for help is so difficult and you can only do it so many times and be rejected before you just take on this attitude of fine, I don't need your help anyway - I don't actually need anyone's help and I'll manage perfectly fine on my own. Except that isn't how it works, you don't manage perfectly fine. You try harder at not feeling feelings - ironic, being that feelings were something you worked so hard to feel! - you start not talking about anything that even remotely bothers you, you put a bandaid on everything you're struggling with and act like things are ok when in fact, on the inside, you are screaming and wishing, hoping that someone would hear you. Enter more hurt and resentment. It is just really difficult and I simply want to feel heard and supported and loved. I'm going to see my doctor in a week and a half for sleep issues and depression issues...hoping she'll have something to help.

Underhanded Comments from the Parents

So hi there. It's been a while since I've written. I thought I was "done" blogging, done dealing with "it," and wanted to be anything but focused on the past. I moved back in with my parents at the end of July...and it has been rough. The IBS and GERD have been awful, I've been having more headaches, and haven't been sleeping well. I've been trying over-the-counter acid reflux meds and those are helping a bit for the GERD, and I've been trying over-the-counter sleeping meds as well but those aren't helping much- they make me tired and I'll fall asleep fairly easily with them but I wake several times during the night.

I am not even sure exactly what my issue is being there because I think it's a lot of things. It's being around the abuser; it's being around my mother who didn't believe the hardest thing I've ever had to say; it's feeling that I can't trust the people I live with; it's feeling like I don't live in a "home;" it's their underhanded comments at the dinner table- not even just about me, but about my sisters as well; it's the way my dad talks to my mom so disrespectfully; it's worrying that their negativity will take a toll on my daughter's self-confidence as it did (and perhaps still does) mine...

Both parents will make underhanded comments about one of my sisters and how she "dropped out" of an expensive college (to which she had some scholarships) and "left them" with some student loans they'd gotten for her. This was a few years ago and she has since been going to a good school much farther away in an area she's much happier studying. She has also stopped talking to them. No calls or cards on holidays or birthdays, she told them that as long as they continue to treat her with such negativity she will not have contact with them. She is strong and brave and I look up to her for this decision. I can witness how difficult it is to heal scars while in the presence of those who caused them. Because they make underhanded comments about me as well. Just last night- at the dinner table- we were talking about kids and their food choices and when it's appropriate to stop monitoring "Did you eat your vegetables?" before they're allowed a sweet treat. I said something about 16 seemed an OK age to stop worrying about this (though in retrospect I would think 13 or 14 should be old enough to have this discretion). So my dad says "Are you sure 16 is a good age for that? 16-year-old girls are about the dumbest people on the planet. Their thought processes..I just do not understand." Why did he say this? Because when I disclosed the CSA, I was 16. That was the age I "told on" him, or in his-and much of my family's eyes, that I "went crazy and lied."

My youngest sister has also made some comments about how I made her life worse by forcing our father our of the house, making CPS have her talk to the police investigator, and basically turning her childhood for the worse (she was 6 at the time). I have a lot of guilt about what my younger sisters went through as a result of my telling about the abuse and sometimes I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut and kept dealing with things on my own until I was gone for college. But part of me was trying to protect them. Her comments hurt more than my parents'.

So disclosing CSA makes you one of the "dumbest people on the planet." This got me thinking about the other meaning of "dumb" - the archaic and totally non-PC meaning, mute. I had finally broken out of muteness and secrecy at this age. Although I don't bring it up with them at all anymore, and haven't since I initially disclosed, mostly because it was clear I wasn't and am never going to be believed by most of the family and I've accepted that it's pointless to try. Making the ones who don't believe change their minds (mostly, my mother) is futile and doesn't really matter- I know what happened and though validation helps it isn't necessary.

It is just so frustrating. My parents will both say they have "forgiven and forgotten" - about anything negative in the past, my sister's student loans, my disclosing the abuse (even though that isn't really anything needing forgiveness from them- it should be the other way around, but in their eyes it wasn't disclosure, it was a lie) yet they continue to bring things up with underhanded comments for guilt or manipulation or I don't even know what. And I am not sure how to deal with this, short of telling them outright to shut the hell up (which isn't something I'm very good at). Because of my financial situation it looks like I'll be there for a few months to a year. Aghhh! I just want to get my daughter and myself out of that negative environment.

Why I Need a New Job

If you've been reading here, you know that I am working for my dad's company. He gave me an admin job in November 2010 after I was laid off from a grant-funded position with a research agency (that I loved! but working with "soft" money...grr). Things are just boiling up and boiling up and this morning they started to boil over, here is why I need a new job:

• Because I am not enjoying what I'm doing. It's boring and tedious and often frustrating.
• Because I have a graduate degree in a field I love..but it was an expensive degree and I'd love to be using it!
• Because it's really difficult working with someone who hurt you in the way he hurt me, who made you feel like you were crazy, who made other people think you were crazy, who betrayed your trust, who sometimes says mean things for the sake of making you feel like a piece of sh*t, who is a reminder of how you were hurt. Certain ways that he laughs or things he says are really difficult for me, they are huge triggers that leave me feeling short of breathe, tense, jumpy, and just awful.
• Because my dad is so negative about many things and that is not what I need in my life right now, for 9 hours a day, every week day.
• Because I think my family thinks that him getting me this job and helping me out temporarily erases all the bad things he did. (It doesn't.) And even to myself, it's difficult to justify the anger I have toward him because he is helping me out. But I still have a right to be angry about the things he did. A fellow Pandy's user said, "Your father getting you a job to help you out temporarily doesn't erase what he did to you and how he hurt you. You have the right to be upset and angry that he's not acknowledging what he's done, apologized, or offered amends... of course you're grateful to have a job, I think anyone is in this economy. But that doesn't rescind your right to process how you feel about the abuse or be able to talk about it." Just because he helped me out with a job doesn't negate all the nights he used to come into my bedroom and all the other things he did- and it doesn't negate my right to be angry/hurt/whatever I choose to be, about it; it just doesn't work that way.
• Because working here just gives my dad power and authority over me. Another Pandy's member pointed out, "The fact that you have to depend upon him to make a living to feed your child is power that you never want someone who has hurt you in such a way to have." And you know, I hadn't even realized before that that bothered me. But it really does. I have been trying to distance myself from my parents (partly because I don't agree with their views on many things) so that I can be myself- stand on my own two feet; allowing my dad to also be my boss isn't very conductive to that end.
• Because it's not good for my self-esteem. I need a job that can be a career, that I can do well and where I can feel like I am helping people.
• Because all of the above is getting a little stressful lately and I have a couple minor health issues that are worse when I'm stressed and it's getting to be too much!

Maybe moving out of my parents' house and seeing how nice it is being away from them a little has made me realize how damaging they actually are and how unhappy I really am here. I have been putting in applications/resumes wherever I find something that I might be qualified for...I'll keep doing so until I am out of here.

IBS and Trauma, and a Nice Quote about Loving Yourself

 

"I tried to forgive them, I tried to forget them, but then I decided to love myself instead." I saw that in someone's  signature on Pandy's today and it stuck with me.

I learned on Monday that I have IBS, so I've got to pay attention to my diet and how I react to certain foods and start cutting things out. Not really cool since I have some eating/food issues to start with. I also learned that IBS is more common among:

• "People in their late 20s.
• Women.
• People who have panic disorder or other psychological conditions.
• People who have a family history of IBS.
• People who have a history of physical or sexual abuse or other psychological trauma. Several studies have found a link between a past history of abuse and gastrointestinal disorders.
• People with other conditions such as depression, migraine headaches, and fibromyalgia (which causes widespread muscle and soft-tissue pain and tenderness)" (from Web MD ).

I underlined the risk factors that apply to me; it made me laugh a little. My Dr also told me that for some people, IBS can get worse when they are stressed out. I also have GERD (acid reflux) and I know for me, that is worse when I am stressed so I wouldn't be surprised if the IBS is also worse.

I think it's interesting that studies have found links between GI disorders and past history of abuse. (An interesting article I found is here Relation Between Physical or Sexual Abuse and Functional GI Disorders by George F Longstreth, MD .)

I am kindof like are you fucking serious, I have more things to deal with right now while I'm trying to move and get packed and unpacked?! One more issue that comes up that could be linked to or caused by the CSA/SA. *Sigh.*

SI (sortof), Forgetting, Anger

Last night was so bad. Body memories and crying and my eyes are very puffy this morning. I am really struggling. I keep picking the scabs on my head and picking them again and they hurt so bad and bleed and I just can't stop. And it hurts to even wash and brush my hair; and I can't even ask about it or talk about it on Pandy's because they changed their posting guidelines in that forum.

Trying to stay strong and be gentle with myself. I didn't take the antidepressants for like 3 days in a row because my throat was really hurting and the pills are huge, maybe that is my problem. Took them today, only have one left and I have to refill them tomorrow and I am not sure if my insurance will still cover it (insurance is going to be changing, one will be running out before the other takes effect) and it will cost $109...so that is adding to the stress. Backtracking a little- I think maybe part of why my  throat has been hurting is because the lymph nodes on the back of my neck/head are swollen because of all the scabs on my scalp.

I don't know how to stop remembering, or how to make my body stop remembering. People say, don't let it control you, don't think about it, forget about it, get over it, just don't let it happen....

Dealing with a lot of anger. Well, I have always had a lot of anger I suppose, just wasn't really aware of it. Trying to figure out, with M, how to constructively let it out of my system so it stops sitting in there seething.

Anxious

A little anxious today, panicky...can't breathe very well, lungs are tight. Trying to do some grounding exercises (see the Resources tab)...agh.