The Anger...I Do Not Like It

I kinda wish I could describe how I've been feeling since I started this lovely "healing journey." It's difficult to name all the feelings going on in my head...or heart I suppose.

But there is a lot of anger. Which is maybe why I am depressed? I'm sure we've all heard the old saying that anger turned inward is depression. I am angry at everyone who hurt me, everyone who didn't believe me, everyone who turned their back. I am even angry at myself. But I am not willing to- nor do I think it would help anything if I did- rock the boat *again* by bringing all this up to the people I am angry with. So my struggle is, how do I stop turning this anger inward? How do I let it out or diffuse it in a "healthy" way? Is this possible? It must be posisble.

Maybe this is something I should have talked with my therapist about today ;) Instead, we talked about how I need to not get to stressed about the little things- she said to take things one day at a time (which another smart person also suggested) and stop getting so bugged out at the big picture things because they can always be broken down into one-day-at-a-time steps.

Yesterday I put in an application for a research specialist position in West Virginia. (I am currently in NY). I meet the qualifications (and even exceed some) and it's in the field I want to be in. They don't have a current opening, they were just taking applications to start a pool for expected future openings. So, I put in an application. After initially being super stressed about it, I am a little excited and hoping they do end up with an opening in the near future. I think it might be a good opportunity, a good change. A chance to be a little farther away from my family, to not have to deal with them so often, to not have them RIGHT there to be involved in everything.... yes, there are so many reasons why a good job in another state could be good. But I'm also stressing about it quite a bit. I don't know why- there's no opening yet, I might not even get accepted, if I do I don't have to take it, and if I take it it's not forever, written in stone. So basically I'm just trying to relax about it and wait calmly.

Still depressed, still no appointment with a psychaitrist. We are playing phone tag.... But I am hoping to get in soon because I have been so blah. I want to scream sometimes- someone please, please help me. I want to feel better, want to feel normal, want to GIVE UP on this "journey" and go back to ignoring everything. Because that was easier, safer, more comfortable.

A Letter

My heart aches and my mind burns, but I am not going to break. You will not win. You will no longer control me. My body is numb and my soul is empty, but I will be ok. You haven't damaged me forever. You are a poison, slowly taking the beauty and life from whoever you wish- but not me, not anymore. I am standing up, putting back what pieces I can, healing the searing pain you caused. I am still afraid- to trust, to ask for help, to sleep, to be less than perfect. But I'm learning not to be so scared. It's going to take a long time to undo what you did...but I will do it.

Skillet (the band, not what you cook in)

Alright...I'm not a fan of "Christian" music. I find most of it preachy and...annoying? But Skillet's "Monster" has definitely made it's way into the mainstream secular music scene. I love that song, because I can relate so well to it. I think most people can...maybe we all have a "secret side." So this is actually the only song of their's I have heard.

Until today. There was a link on Pandy's (can you tell I go there often- it's nice not to feel so alone) to their song "It's Not Me It's You." Like "Monster," you can't tell they're a Christian group from this song. But this song is I guess about putting the blame where it belongs- "I'm no longer choking/from the pain you put me through/and now I know that/it's not me it's you- you/it's not me it's you/always has been you." I'm not saying let's blame everyone for all our problems, but let's blame the people who hurt us for their actions, instead of blaming ourselves. For people who have been through CSA or SA or RA or any kind of A, that's a big struggle. So I am kindof glad I found this song...or that someone else found it and shared it ;)

Fathers' Day

Fathers' Day is kindof a difficult "holiday" for me. In a lot of ways, my dad was a good dad. We were always fed and clothed, had a roof over our heads, and have plenty of good things to remember. This might sound horrible but sometimes I try really hard NOT to think about the ways he was a good dad, because it sortof makes me blame myself for the ways he was not. I think, "he has so many good qualities, it must have been something about me." In my mind, I know it wasn't my fault, but in my heart, it's a bit more difficult to "get it."

So this Fathers' Day I have decided to try to think about only the good things and not the bad, as far is my dad is concerned. And to pretty much just try to make the day about my daughter's dad and other dads I happen to know who are great, even though they might not be my dad.

Thought This Quote Was...Right

Saw this quote today on Pandy's (which is an online forum for survivors of sexual abuse and assault) and I thought it was fitting:

"You'll hold onto this forever. Guilt gives you the illusion of control in an uncontrollable situation. The 'if I had done this or that' creates an escape. It stops this being unanswerable. A random event. Except, it's already happened, and the truth is there is nothing you can do. And you're going to have to work out some way of living with that for the rest of your life. Whatever happens. Or it will destroy you."

Maybe that is why we blame ourselves - even when we know in our minds that it wasn't actually our fault, even though we would never blame another survivor for her own experience - because somehow it allows us to keep from admitting that we were not in control. No matter why we do it, it IS going to destroy us if we don't find a way to make ourselves believe that it was not our fault.

Questions With No Answers

Some are directed at specific people, others, to no one in particular.

Why did you hurt me?

What did I do to deserve the things that were done to me?

I know you noticed, why didn't you make it stop?

Why wasn't anyone there when I needed them?

Are you sorry?

Do you live with any pain for what you did?

Why am I still suffering for others' actions?

Why do I feel such pain, guilt, and shame for things other people did?

Why did it take me so long to tell?

Would it have been better for me to keep my mouth shut and deal with it?

How long am I going to have to spend in therapy to feel ok again?

Will I EVER feel completely ok?

Do I even deserve to feel ok?

Do I deserve the wonderful support and kindness from the few that I trust?

Why didn't God stop it? Why did God let it start?

There are more...but I don't have the energy to type anymore tonight. It's been a rough day, I'm in pain, and my energy is completely sapped.

Yes, I'm Angry

Thinking last night and this morning about my family. I have a big family, lots of aunts and uncles, lots of cousins. A few days after I told about the abuse, I went to a psychaitric hospital (due to self-injury and suicidal thoughts). I was there for about three months, in part because the state was trying to figure out where to put me- family? Foster care? Group home? Two days before Christmas I was put into foster care with a family who I didn't know, in a place I wasn't familiar with. Granted, I was 16 and old enough to handle this, but I was a little scared. It's a little upsetting, a little sad, that I couldn't have lived with any of my aunts or uncles. I don't think anyone offered, I don't think any of them tried to say "Hey, wait a minute, she might be telling the truth." There was one aunt and uncle close to us that was being considered, but they didn't want me there because they "didn't want me telling lies about them, too." When I was in foster care, and in the few years after, I sent holiday cards every year, with nice notes and little updates. Did I get any in return? I think I got one from my grandmother. That's it.

I felt shut out, I felt like no one cared, I felt alone, I felt that everyone had believed my dad's story (that I was crazy or had been "brainwashed" into thinking up the abuse, or that I was just coldhearted and wanted to ruin the family), and I felt angry. Last Christmas and the one before, I did get Christmas cards from some of them. But it still hurts that for a few years, no one was there.

I'm working on letting go of this, what was anyone supposed to do, really? And recently, thanks to facebook, I've sortof gotten back in touch with a few aunts and uncles. And cousins, who've been more than kind. I'm thankful for this.

The Happy Things

This morning I woke up to find my daughter not in my bed. This was a pleasant surprise, as she's been there every morning lately when we wake up. Then, John was at the door- "You have to come out here and see this now!" with a smirk. I followed him to the kitchen, and there on the floor, wrapped in blankets, her hair a mess over her pillow, was the kiddo. We giggled and as I woke her up, I said, "I'm so proud of you for not sleeping in Mommy's room! But why didn't you sleep on the couch? Why the kitchen floor?" Her eyes still closed, she said listlessly, "'Cause...I always do." And of course that made us giggle a little more.

I think it's these little moments that keep me from losing it, that keep me from letting the pain eat me up. There is a lot of good in my life right now. That doesn't take away the bad things that happened, but it does make it a little easier to bear.

I had therapy this morning. It's always a little difficult, facing issues and things you've done and things that have been done to you. Things have gotten a little bit more difficult since I started going- more panic attacks at night, more difficulty concentrating during the day. But at the same time, it feels good to know that I'm trying to move forward. We talked about accepting the possibility that my parents will not acknowledge what happened, or ever apologize. Accepting it doesn't mean agreeing or saying it's ok, just realizing that it won't change, and it's probably self-destructive to keep holding on to the hope that it will. So that is where I'm at; it's a little difficult to actually realize this- that it is highly, highly unlikely they will ever change, but probably necessary. I've been hanging onto that hope for the past 8 years, and it hasn't gotten me anything. Perhaps it's time to let it go.

How do you feel when...

I recently saw a topic thread on Pandy's asking how you feel when people talk about your abuser(s). I guess this depends on what they are saying ;) Because I am geographically close to mine (my father), and because people in general think he is a "good" person, I get to hear a LOT of good things about him. Very few people know what happened (years of CSA), and those who do are kind enough not to bring him up much, and not to speak of him as if he were a saint. Everyone else, though, just thinks he is so great. It KILLS me. It makes me feel angry, sad, disgusted, guilty, and it's hard not to think about the abuse when I'm thinking about him.

Of course, there were good times. Lots of them. And maybe in general he is a "good" person. I am not really sure, I am still looking at my definition of this. But he can do bad things, he can cause so much hurt. It's been almost eight years since I moved out and it is STILL hurting, a lot. So when people talk about him as if he is a great person, it's upsetting and it hurts. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want everyone to hate him, I would just like it if people wouldn't speak so highly of him. But, since I'm not going to go around telling everyone what he did, I believe I'll just have to deal with it. How?

Wow, I'm a Blogger (Some Background)

So this is my blog. It's pretty neat, right? Basically, I will use this as a sort of vent as I'm going through this totally awesome "healing process." (Yes, the totally awesome was sarcastic.)

Background: I started therapy in the beginning of May to deal with some issues I'd been carefully trying NOT to deal with for some years. This includes CSA, and later SA, self-injury and eating issues, depression, body image issues (obviously), panic attacks, flashbacks and body memories (actually, I didn't even know these had a name until finding Pandora's Aquarium online while trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me), nightmares, insomnia, and general irritability.

I am really lucky that my bf was (and still is) so supportive and caring. I'm also lucky to have a kind cousin who is so encouraging. Without my boyfriend, without the few wonderful family members I have (I have lots of family, they're just not all wonderful), without my best friend (who is also my unbiological sister, and who I love dearly), and a few other nice people I am lucky enough to know, I would just not be able to handle this "let's go back and look at the trauma" stuff.

Well I think I'm starting to ramble. So that's it for now. More later ;)