Feeling very vulnerable lately

So it's been a tough month and I just need to write. I started a new job the end of January and there's been some triggers there and it's just been stressful. It's a job I really wanted, and I'm really enjoying it, it has just been a stressful transition. I've been pretty depressed and feeling very vulnerable and really wanting to cut. On top of that, things at home continue to be difficult. I'm feeling really like I have to act like everything is fine and can't talk about the things that are bothering me with the people who I'd really just like to talk about it with. Which kind of leaves me feeling hurt and resentful and not wanting to trust. I feel like asking for help is so difficult and you can only do it so many times and be rejected before you just take on this attitude of fine, I don't need your help anyway - I don't actually need anyone's help and I'll manage perfectly fine on my own. Except that isn't how it works, you don't manage perfectly fine. You try harder at not feeling feelings - ironic, being that feelings were something you worked so hard to feel! - you start not talking about anything that even remotely bothers you, you put a bandaid on everything you're struggling with and act like things are ok when in fact, on the inside, you are screaming and wishing, hoping that someone would hear you. Enter more hurt and resentment. It is just really difficult and I simply want to feel heard and supported and loved. I'm going to see my doctor in a week and a half for sleep issues and depression issues...hoping she'll have something to help.

Why I Need a New Job

If you've been reading here, you know that I am working for my dad's company. He gave me an admin job in November 2010 after I was laid off from a grant-funded position with a research agency (that I loved! but working with "soft" money...grr). Things are just boiling up and boiling up and this morning they started to boil over, here is why I need a new job:

• Because I am not enjoying what I'm doing. It's boring and tedious and often frustrating.
• Because I have a graduate degree in a field I love..but it was an expensive degree and I'd love to be using it!
• Because it's really difficult working with someone who hurt you in the way he hurt me, who made you feel like you were crazy, who made other people think you were crazy, who betrayed your trust, who sometimes says mean things for the sake of making you feel like a piece of sh*t, who is a reminder of how you were hurt. Certain ways that he laughs or things he says are really difficult for me, they are huge triggers that leave me feeling short of breathe, tense, jumpy, and just awful.
• Because my dad is so negative about many things and that is not what I need in my life right now, for 9 hours a day, every week day.
• Because I think my family thinks that him getting me this job and helping me out temporarily erases all the bad things he did. (It doesn't.) And even to myself, it's difficult to justify the anger I have toward him because he is helping me out. But I still have a right to be angry about the things he did. A fellow Pandy's user said, "Your father getting you a job to help you out temporarily doesn't erase what he did to you and how he hurt you. You have the right to be upset and angry that he's not acknowledging what he's done, apologized, or offered amends... of course you're grateful to have a job, I think anyone is in this economy. But that doesn't rescind your right to process how you feel about the abuse or be able to talk about it." Just because he helped me out with a job doesn't negate all the nights he used to come into my bedroom and all the other things he did- and it doesn't negate my right to be angry/hurt/whatever I choose to be, about it; it just doesn't work that way.
• Because working here just gives my dad power and authority over me. Another Pandy's member pointed out, "The fact that you have to depend upon him to make a living to feed your child is power that you never want someone who has hurt you in such a way to have." And you know, I hadn't even realized before that that bothered me. But it really does. I have been trying to distance myself from my parents (partly because I don't agree with their views on many things) so that I can be myself- stand on my own two feet; allowing my dad to also be my boss isn't very conductive to that end.
• Because it's not good for my self-esteem. I need a job that can be a career, that I can do well and where I can feel like I am helping people.
• Because all of the above is getting a little stressful lately and I have a couple minor health issues that are worse when I'm stressed and it's getting to be too much!

Maybe moving out of my parents' house and seeing how nice it is being away from them a little has made me realize how damaging they actually are and how unhappy I really am here. I have been putting in applications/resumes wherever I find something that I might be qualified for...I'll keep doing so until I am out of here.

Frustrated and Upset and RTS?

So frustrated with the memories and psychosomoatic symptoms. Frustrated/upset with myself. Just. Be. Over. It. It is so simple... And yet...it's not. Tried writing some things down for counseling tomorrow. AGH! I cannot do it. Tried asking myself how I felt - please, just feel something- just don't be so goddamned numb about it all. But nothing.

I can't take being at work anymore! I can't take being at home anymore! I want- I need- my own place. Not just the memories...my parents are so negative. I don't need to be around that! And I don't want my daughter around that! She is 4- she should be learning that the world is full of fun things to do and explore and learn.

This morning...I hurt. I think actually I feel something, and it hurts. Part of me wants to break down and cry and cut and yell and cry some more...but I won't. I haven't cried in a while...not sure I could manage it. No need to go feeling weak anyways.

Also kinda wondering about RTS. Read a few articles about it. Put one in the resources tab: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html