Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Why I Need a New Job

If you've been reading here, you know that I am working for my dad's company. He gave me an admin job in November 2010 after I was laid off from a grant-funded position with a research agency (that I loved! but working with "soft" money...grr). Things are just boiling up and boiling up and this morning they started to boil over, here is why I need a new job:
  • Because I am not enjoying what I'm doing. It's boring and tedious and often frustrating.
  • Because I have a graduate degree in a field I love..but it was an expensive degree and I'd love to be using it!
  • Because it's really difficult working with someone who hurt you in the way he hurt me, who made you feel like you were crazy, who made other people think you were crazy, who betrayed your trust, who sometimes says mean things for the sake of making you feel like a piece of sh*t, who is a reminder of how you were hurt. Certain ways that he laughs or things he says are really difficult for me, they are huge triggers that leave me feeling short of breathe, tense, jumpy, and just awful.
  • Because my dad is so negative about many things and that is not what I need in my life right now, for 9 hours a day, every week day.
  • Because I think my family thinks that him getting me this job and helping me out temporarily erases all the bad things he did. (It doesn't.) And even to myself, it's difficult to justify the anger I have toward him because he is helping me out. But I still have a right to be angry about the things he did. A fellow Pandy's user said, "Your father getting you a job to help you out temporarily doesn't erase what he did to you and how he hurt you. You have the right to be upset and angry that he's not acknowledging what he's done, apologized, or offered amends... of course you're grateful to have a job, I think anyone is in this economy. But that doesn't rescind your right to process how you feel about the abuse or be able to talk about it." Just because he helped me out with a job doesn't negate all the nights he used to come into my bedroom and all the other things he did- and it doesn't negate my right to be angry/hurt/whatever I choose to be, about it; it just doesn't work that way.
  • Because working here just gives my dad power and authority over me. Another Pandy's member pointed out, "The fact that you have to depend upon him to make a living to feed your child is power that you never want someone who has hurt you in such a way to have." And you know, I hadn't even realized before that that bothered me. But it really does. I have been trying to distance myself from my parents (partly because I don't agree with their views on many things) so that I can be myself- stand on my own two feet; allowing my dad to also be my boss isn't very conductive to that end.
  • Because it's not good for my self-esteem. I need a job that can be a career, that I can do well and where I can feel like I am helping people.
  • Because all of the above is getting a little stressful lately and I have a couple minor health issues that are worse when I'm stressed and it's getting to be too much!
Maybe moving out of my parents' house and seeing how nice it is being away from them a little has made me realize how damaging they actually are and how unhappy I really am here. I have been putting in applications/resumes wherever I find something that I might be qualified for...I'll keep doing so until I am out of here.

2 comments:

  1. Please leave that job as soon as possible. It is actually harming you at many different levels.

    I hope you get your own job, the one you love, soon. so saddened by the position you are in.

    hugs

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  2. Wishing you the best as you go through the job application process. I really think that you are making the best decision to get out of this uncomfortable position of power with your father. You need and deserve to stand on your own two feet, and you deserve to be in a profession that makes you happy. I think that it is wonderful that you have come to the conclusion that you need to get out of your current situation. Also, what you and what your Pandy's supporter said is so true - your dad's assistance does not cancel out the past. You have every right to be angry. Again, good luck with the application process! Keeping my fingers crossed that you will have good news to report back soon. xxx

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