Feeling Emotions...Trying Again

So for therapy homework I am supposed to work on identifying my "rocks" - the rocks that weigh on my lungs when I wake in the night...I am supposed to identify what each represents, maybe one is anger at my dad for what he did, another is anger at my mom for not believing me...and so on. The idea is, I am supposed to feel the emotions that I haven't been able to feel/haven't let myself feel, etc. And this is...hard. I don't want to feel the way any of it would make me feel if I let myself feel the way it makes me feel.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember I had similar homework about feeling feelings from the therapist I saw last year...and I was just as reluctant to do it then as I am now. However- do I want to be in therapy next year, again, with the same homework...? No, no I most definitely do not. So...that means...I do the damn homework.

Tonight when I wake up, and can't breathe, I write about one rock. Just one feeling. I don't even have to feel that feeling right then...just have to identify it and write it down in the journal. And then I go back to sleep.... Let's see how this goes.

For My Survivor Friends...

When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, dirty, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kindof funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA and SA and how much is from the breakup. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...

Some days...

Some days I just want to disappear. I want to crawl into the earth and hug the ground around me like a blanket and be unseen, be swallowed up by mother nature.

Some days I want to scream- "I am MORE." I am more than a single mom, more than a pretty girl who likes knockoff designer accessories, more than an employee at my dad's company. I am more than you see. I want to beg someone- anyone- to see all of me, to really know me, and to accept me as I am- not how they'd wish me to be.

Some days I want to let out the rage within me. To pound my fists against the pain until they are bloody and unrecognizable. I want to scream and cry and rage and hurt and let out the anger about what was done to me. I want to yell that I am no longer afraid, I will no longer hide my anger and turn it inward. I want to unleash the fury that lives in my heart, turn it against the ones who deserve it.