What I Resolve To Do In 2012 (New Year's 2012 Part II)

Here is the second installment of my blogging about New Year's. I am not really one for resolutions, but I have a lot of goals I want to reach in 2012 :) I realize some of these are big things and those kinds of goals aren't always attainable when written that way so in my journal, I have broken them down into smaller, manageable goals. These are just the main ones:

• Speak up! I resolve find my voice and practice using it.
• Take care of myself physically! I will drink more water, take vitamins and all prescriptions as prescribed, exercise at lease once a week at a Saturday morning Pilates or yoga class- to get myself feeling physically fit and well.
• Become a survivor! I wrote a few weeks ago that I think I'll see myself more as a survivor (rather than a victim) when I can say it wasn't my fault and believe it. I will continue seeing M, reading about healing, and writing, and will do the work necessary to move from victim to survivor.
• Learn to feel emotions! Anger, sadness, grief, happiness...I will remind myself that the world won't end because I cracked and felt a feeling.
• Save up to cover a month's worth of expenses! This will mean not using shopping as a coping method when I'm feeling depressed or upset, which will be difficult. But I will do it!
• Live in the moment! This will become my mantra. If you can enjoy the moment, be present in right now, then you aren't agonizing over the past or worrying about the future. I will spend more moments this way.

Things I Learned In 2011 (New Year's 2012 Part I)

The end of the calendar year is often a time we reflect on the year that's coming to an end and look at how we want to change in the next year. I'm going to write a 2-part blog post about what I learned in 2011 and what I want to change in 2012. This year was one of the most difficult I've ever had- my relationship of 5 years with my daughter's father broke apart, I moved in with my parents (one of whom was cause of CSA, the other didn't believe it), my daughter had surgery and a subsequent ER visit which was pretty scary, I entered the dating world and had some tough experiences there, and a few other reasons. However, it has also been a good year in that I decided to go back to counseling, I got my own place :) and even though it's small it's mine (and my daughter's), and I have made some wonderful friends.

In 2011, I learned:

• That I've been allowing myself to be a victim rather than stretching my limits to become a survivor.
• That it's possible to electrocute yourself while changing a light bulb.
• That often, you have to take a step into the scary unknown in order to grow.
• That it is OK to speak up for myself, that I should have a voice.
• That I don't value myself, my body, or the things I have to offer...but I want to.
• That a five-year-old says just as many, if not more, completely hysterical things as a four-year-old.
• That going out of my comfort zone to make some new friends (and become better friends with people I've known for years) was one of the best things I could have done for myself.
• That I am capable of standing on my own two feet and living on my own- no parents, no roommate, no boyfriend, no help- just me.
• That I have marketable skills that can be freelanced for extra income.
• That the prep you have to experience before a colonoscopy really is as bad as everyone says.
• That I am scared of feeling emotions.
• That I have a lot of pent up anger.
• That I want to do some of the hard work it will take to get where I want to go.

...and probably a few more things I might add as I think of them :)

Finding My Voice

This is something I'm going to be working on- speaking up for myself when something inappropriate is said. A couple weeks ago my dad made a pretty mean comment that, to me, was just meant to get in a jab basically saying I'm a slut. It was regarding how the first time my parents met my daughter's father, I was already pregnant. My mom followed suit later in the night, not nearly as mean, but still not really appropriate or kind. Both comments were made in front of my daughter.

Yup, I've been pretty promiscuous (you can see my blog about CSA and promiscuity here ) but (1) that was in the past- my daughter is now 5 years old and I was with her dad until earlier this year!; (2) it's not really any of my parents' business- I'm an adult; (3) it is certainly not an OK thing to make comments about especially in front of my daughter!

But, I didn't really say anything. I didn't say "hey that's not OK" or "that was really inappropriate" or "that was a long time ago, is it necessary to bring it up over and over?" or even "that really hurts my feelings when you make unnecessary comments like that" or anything. So...I am not good at standing up for myself. When I did, it backfired majorly and instead of getting understanding, I was the one who was ostracized. So after that I think I tried really hard to just not make waves at all- any form of standing up for myself was equal to this huge confrontation in my mind- and that was reinforced at the foster home I lived in. I have spent a lot of time trying to be silent and hide my voice.

So in counseling last week we talked about how it's supernecessary for my to find that voice and use it- not to be mean or inappropriate or bitchy back, but to stand up for me. Because it would be good for my daughter to see, because I couldn't before, because I need to like and love and respect myself enough to kindly demand respect from other people- even my parents.