Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
- I am: so much more than I give myself credit for.
- I want: to smile, and mean it.
- I wish: so much didn't have to be a secret, because it's tiring.
- I hate: that I don't hate him.
- I miss: I can't actually finish this one.
- I fear: nights, noises, intimacy.
- I hear: the unkind words in my dreams. But also the kind ones, when I'm awake.
- I wonder: if he's sorry.
- I regret: not telling sooner.
- I am not: what was done to me.
- I dance: only when I am very drunk at friends' Christmas parties.
- I sing: in the car.
- I cry: at night, most nights, as quietly as I can.
- I am not always: ok when I say I am.
- I make with my hands: representations of how I see the world, but sometimes they are disturbing. And cookies, which are not.
- I write: in my journal, almost every night.
- I confuse: people's busyness with uncaring.
- I need: to take better care of myself.
- I should: think positive.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
- Saying what I need or want
- Standing up for myself when something isn't right
- Managing the anger
- Taking things too seriously or thinking that when things are wrong, it's because of me
- Having fun (I know, it's actually dumb that that is on this list)
- Assuming that I'm not good enough
Perhaps I will print this out and bring it to therapy. So much going on right now with school and possibly a new job and my daughter's (lack of) potty training...it's causing me so much anxiety that my body is freaking out in some really weird ways. My head feels like it's falling or something, for a second or so, every so often. More often when I'm tired or trying to focus visually on something. It's been going on for a few days; at first it was really scary, now it's just frustrating and making me feel sick. My eyes are also really weird. When I shut them, it feels like they are still open, like they are dry or something. And I haven't been sleeping at all. I tried to get a Dr's appointment, but she is out of town for the week and the receptionist said I'd have to go to the emergency room. Well, it's not an emergency really. I do want it taken care of, like, yesterday, but it's not an emergency. I had a mini-breakdown after that phone call. I want to feel better! I think (I hope) after my last paper is in a week from today, I'll be feeling fine. We'll see.
Friday, August 6, 2010
- Continuing relationships with an abusive family- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=137562
- Why self-harm- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=105561
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
At another point in my conversation with my sister, I said that I didn't care who believed me about the "stuff with dad" (that is usually how it is referred to, or "the crap with Jessica"). And you know what she said? Quick background- she has never said she believes me; in fact after I told and my dad had to leave the house for a few months because of Child Protective Services or whatever, she was really mad at me for saying what I said and causing him to leave. She said that I shouldn't care who believes me because I know what happened. I was dumbfounded. I sorta expected...well, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn't that. It really made me feel good, unjudged. It was so nice to have such a good conversation with her. Her and my middle younger sister (I have three younger sisters) and I have been talking a lot lately about family, about our parents, about ourselves, and it's been really nice.
Aside from all that, it's been a rough few days, but I'm doing what I have to do. Lots of homework to take my mind off things, finding new ways to keep myself grounded when I feel The Panic setting in.