Thinking Positive

Can't really bring myself to write much except I'm trying to be positive. Things have been pretty rough right now, with final papers and relationship issues and anger problems. But I'm sick of being myself, so I'm trying really hard to think positively and change. I wish I was seeing my therapist sooner because I really need to talk. But I'm not, so I'll just have to deal with it. Maybe with drugs. Just kidding. Kindof.

Healing Exercise from Pandy's

Complete the sentences:

• I am: so much more than I give myself credit for.
• I want: to smile, and mean it.
• I wish: so much didn't have to be a secret, because it's tiring.
• I hate: that I don't hate him.
• I miss: I can't actually finish this one.
• I fear: nights, noises, intimacy.
• I hear: the unkind words in my dreams. But also the kind ones, when I'm awake.
• I wonder: if he's sorry.
• I regret: not telling sooner.
• I am not: what was done to me.
• I dance: only when I am very drunk at friends' Christmas parties.
• I sing: in the car.
• I cry: at night, most nights, as quietly as I can.
• I am not always: ok when I say I am.
• I make with my hands: representations of how I see the world, but sometimes they are disturbing. And cookies, which are not.
• I write: in my journal, almost every night.
• I confuse: people's busyness with uncaring.
• I need: to take better care of myself.
• I should: think positive.

Things I Would Ask for Help With, if I was Brave Enough

• Saying what I need or want
• Standing up for myself when something isn't right
• Managing the anger
• Taking things too seriously or thinking that when things are wrong, it's because of me
• Having fun (I know, it's actually dumb that that is on this list)
• Assuming that I'm not good enough

Perhaps I will print this out and bring it to therapy. So much going on right now with school and possibly a new job and my daughter's (lack of) potty training...it's causing me so much anxiety that my body is freaking out in some really weird ways. My head feels like it's falling or something, for a second or so, every so often. More often when I'm tired or trying to focus visually on something. It's been going on for a few days; at first it was really scary, now it's just frustrating and making me feel sick. My eyes are also really weird. When I shut them, it feels like they are still open, like they are dry or something. And I haven't been sleeping at all. I tried to get a Dr's appointment, but she is out of town for the week and the receptionist said I'd have to go to the emergency room. Well, it's not an emergency really. I do want it taken care of, like, yesterday, but it's not an emergency. I had a mini-breakdown after that phone call. I want to feel better! I think (I hope) after my last paper is in a week from today, I'll be feeling fine. We'll see.

Some Interesting Writings

Some interesting things I found relating to some issues I'm going through, and wanted to share with you guys:

• Continuing relationships with an abusive family- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=137562
• Why self-harm- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=105561

That's all for now. Having a rough night I guess. Lots of stress with schoolwork, and when there's stress coming from everywhere it gets a little more difficult to control the bad memories. There is too much to do and not enough time, my dad is bringing up all kinds of horrible memories and feelings, and everything just hurts.

A Candid Talk with My Sister...

So...my oldest younger sister and I were talking today. It was just the two of us (and my daughter, who was off playing). We were talking about the aunt who is up, how when I first told about the CSA, she came up to be there for my dad- her brother- and how at one point in the few days after I told, she came into my room and started yelling at me about how I was ruining my family, did I understand what I was doing to my family, and on and on. When she was done, I was (of course) really upset, I went upstairs to my mom, crying, and told her what happened; my mom said she didn't know the aunt was yelling at me, she hadn't heard it from where she was in the house. Well, when my sister and I were talking today and this came up, she said (something like) "Yeah, I was so upset when she started yelling at you, I was crying and I went upstairs and told Mom." Um...excuse me, Mom said she didn't know about this incident. My sister said, "No, that's bullshit, I went up and told her about it, I was really upset." So not only did my mother not believe me about the CSA, but she let my aunt completely bully me at a time when I was already really vulnerable. Nice, thank you Mom. I'm kindof angry about this, though I know there's no point in being angry about it now. Actually, I think I'm more hurt than I am angry.

At another point in my conversation with my sister, I said that I didn't care who believed me about the "stuff with dad" (that is usually how it is referred to, or "the crap with Jessica"). And you know what she said? Quick background- she has never said she believes me; in fact after I told and my dad had to leave the house for a few months because of Child Protective Services or whatever, she was really mad at me for saying what I said and causing him to leave. She said that I shouldn't care who believes me because I know what happened. I was dumbfounded. I sorta expected...well, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn't that. It really made me feel good, unjudged. It was so nice to have such a good conversation with her. Her and my middle younger sister (I have three younger sisters) and I have been talking a lot lately about family, about our parents, about ourselves, and it's been really nice.

Aside from all that, it's been a rough few days, but I'm doing what I have to do. Lots of homework to take my mind off things, finding new ways to keep myself grounded when I feel The Panic setting in.