Taking Care of Me

So lately I'm having a hard time doing the things I need to be doing to keep myself healthy. With the IBS and HPV my Dr said I really need to be quitting smoking, working out, and eating well. Well...the quitting smoking isn't working out well at all. I'm hoping my Dr can/will prescribe me Chantix but I know it can be bad for those with depression so I'm not sure she'll think it's a good idea. The working out..I have no motivation because (a) I'm tired all the time and (b) I'm already a healthy weight for my height so it's difficult for me to want to exercise or find motivation because it's not a visible need. And the eating well..I am still not eating enough calories. This is something I have struggled with on and off for years. Disordered eating. I also likely drink more than is healthy; on a normal night it's 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine. To be fair, I do have a really high alcohol tolerance - I don't even feel the wine until the third glass or so. But I really am having a difficult time lately and lowering my alcohol intake is not something I am willing to do right now. It is a crutch I know but it is a crutch I need while living with my parents.

I am really looking forward to my Dr's appointment next week. I am hoping some antidepressants will help and get me feeling like a normal person again. I hate needing help and support. I hate the panic. I hate the shame and feeling like maybe it was my fault. I hate needing to talk. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me. I hate feeling like I need so badly to talk about it and be understood and feeling like I can't because what I've been through is disgusting and shitty and horrible and I don't deserve to be listened to. I think I need to find a productive way to get rid of this hate...

Things I Learned In 2011 (New Year's 2012 Part I)

The end of the calendar year is often a time we reflect on the year that's coming to an end and look at how we want to change in the next year. I'm going to write a 2-part blog post about what I learned in 2011 and what I want to change in 2012. This year was one of the most difficult I've ever had- my relationship of 5 years with my daughter's father broke apart, I moved in with my parents (one of whom was cause of CSA, the other didn't believe it), my daughter had surgery and a subsequent ER visit which was pretty scary, I entered the dating world and had some tough experiences there, and a few other reasons. However, it has also been a good year in that I decided to go back to counseling, I got my own place :) and even though it's small it's mine (and my daughter's), and I have made some wonderful friends.

In 2011, I learned:

• That I've been allowing myself to be a victim rather than stretching my limits to become a survivor.
• That it's possible to electrocute yourself while changing a light bulb.
• That often, you have to take a step into the scary unknown in order to grow.
• That it is OK to speak up for myself, that I should have a voice.
• That I don't value myself, my body, or the things I have to offer...but I want to.
• That a five-year-old says just as many, if not more, completely hysterical things as a four-year-old.
• That going out of my comfort zone to make some new friends (and become better friends with people I've known for years) was one of the best things I could have done for myself.
• That I am capable of standing on my own two feet and living on my own- no parents, no roommate, no boyfriend, no help- just me.
• That I have marketable skills that can be freelanced for extra income.
• That the prep you have to experience before a colonoscopy really is as bad as everyone says.
• That I am scared of feeling emotions.
• That I have a lot of pent up anger.
• That I want to do some of the hard work it will take to get where I want to go.

...and probably a few more things I might add as I think of them :)

For My Survivor Friends...

When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, dirty, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kindof funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA and SA and how much is from the breakup. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...

Having To Be Ok is Forcing Me To Be Stronger?

Living with my parents this last month and a half or so (has it really been that long?), I've kinda been forced to be ok. I can't have panic attacks, can't have flashbacks, because I refuse to be that vulnerable around one of the people who hurt me. I think somewhere my unconscious kindof psychosomatically knows this, that I have to be stronger and cannot- absolutely must not- be so vulnerable in a place that isn't entirely (or didn't used to be) safe.

Nights have not been good; I haven't been sleeping well. Dreams, waking up every couple hours and not being able to fall back asleep...I come into work with lots of coffee ;) Sometimes I find myself listening for a creek of the floor that I know won't come, or looking for a shadow that I know isn't there.

It's kindof difficult trying to heal from all the sexual abuse and incest my father put me through (that's right, I spelled it out...I just wrote that...and nothing bad happened...except I'm having a difficult time not deleting it...) and dealing with seeing him at work every day and living with him and I can't show it or talk about it because he's ALWAYS THERE.

But not having a choice is causing me to find strength I didn't know I had. I'm finding that I can be a normal person even when it hurts so bad inside I just want to take a razor to myself (I don't, of course). I can be strong even when I feel like breaking down. I can smile even if I'm crying inside. And maybe, eventually, those things will become real- I'll just start smiling naturally, feeling normal more often, realizing that I've always been strong, and most of all, really believing that it wasn't my fault/I didn't deserve it. Not just about the things my dad did, but the other things, too. *Sigh* Slowly, it is getting better. Even by accident ;)

Shame, and some Random Ramblings

Why is it that we feel so ashamed as survivors of SA and/or CSA...as adults, as survivors, we know, in our minds, that it wasn't our fault,so why do we feel so much shame because of it? Maybe because we are used to it, because of the secrecy, because for so long it was ingrained in our beliefs (at least in the case of CSA, and sometimes SA) that we caused it.

I have been trying lately to lay down the shame. It feels really strong the past couple weeks, being that I'm living back home with my parents. Being around my dad is...ugh...sleeping there is difficult. It's been really a rough few weeks. But I think that it will get easier. I just have to save some money so I can get out on my own, and take things one day at a time, stop blaming myself...

My ex and I have decided that we may try working things out. I am not sure I'm optimistic about how that will go...we'll see. My daughter is doing good, we have been enjoying the warmer weather...I am trying to take things slower and enjoy one day at a time.

The Good Doesn't Necessarily Cancel Out The Bad

So I spent a little time this morning on Pandy's, responding to people's posts, trying to offer a little support or encouragement, when I realized something. For a while I have been struggling with good memories I have of my childhood and of my father; it wasn't always bad- we had lots of good times. It's difficult for me to place the blame of the CSA on him when there are good things I remember and good things about him- he isn't this completely evil monster, he has lots of qualities that people think of as good. So this is where part of my self-blame comes from, I look at it like here's this man who is really an ok guy, a good person in some ways, so it must have been me. The good memories and the good qualities he possesses makes it really difficult for me to (a) be angry with him for the CSA, (b) believe the CSA was his fault and not mine, (c) see that I didn't deserve it...and so on.

So today I read a post on Pandy's from a woman going through a similar mental struggle- and then it sortof just hit me... all it takes is that ONE time someone hurts you, and no amount of good qualities or memories can "cancel" that out. As soon as that line is crossed the first time, the person isn't all "good" anymore- but that doesn't mean he is all "bad" either. Clearly, obviously, people are both- we all are. My father has good qualities, but he also SA'd me for years. I don't have to mentally label him as good or bad, because it's ok for me to see him as both.

Ok this probably all sounds obvious and silly. But it was kindof a big "lightbulb" moment for me, realizing that  just because there are good things about him doesn't make the bad things he did ok. I think this is a really good step in my path to really seeing it as not my fault, not something I deserved.