Taking Care of Me

So lately I'm having a hard time doing the things I need to be doing to keep myself healthy. With the IBS and HPV my Dr said I really need to be quitting smoking, working out, and eating well. Well...the quitting smoking isn't working out well at all. I'm hoping my Dr can/will prescribe me Chantix but I know it can be bad for those with depression so I'm not sure she'll think it's a good idea. The working out..I have no motivation because (a) I'm tired all the time and (b) I'm already a healthy weight for my height so it's difficult for me to want to exercise or find motivation because it's not a visible need. And the eating well..I am still not eating enough calories. This is something I have struggled with on and off for years. Disordered eating. I also likely drink more than is healthy; on a normal night it's 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine. To be fair, I do have a really high alcohol tolerance - I don't even feel the wine until the third glass or so. But I really am having a difficult time lately and lowering my alcohol intake is not something I am willing to do right now. It is a crutch I know but it is a crutch I need while living with my parents.

I am really looking forward to my Dr's appointment next week. I am hoping some antidepressants will help and get me feeling like a normal person again. I hate needing help and support. I hate the panic. I hate the shame and feeling like maybe it was my fault. I hate needing to talk. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me. I hate feeling like I need so badly to talk about it and be understood and feeling like I can't because what I've been through is disgusting and shitty and horrible and I don't deserve to be listened to. I think I need to find a productive way to get rid of this hate...

Feeling very vulnerable lately

So it's been a tough month and I just need to write. I started a new job the end of January and there's been some triggers there and it's just been stressful. It's a job I really wanted, and I'm really enjoying it, it has just been a stressful transition. I've been pretty depressed and feeling very vulnerable and really wanting to cut. On top of that, things at home continue to be difficult. I'm feeling really like I have to act like everything is fine and can't talk about the things that are bothering me with the people who I'd really just like to talk about it with. Which kind of leaves me feeling hurt and resentful and not wanting to trust. I feel like asking for help is so difficult and you can only do it so many times and be rejected before you just take on this attitude of fine, I don't need your help anyway - I don't actually need anyone's help and I'll manage perfectly fine on my own. Except that isn't how it works, you don't manage perfectly fine. You try harder at not feeling feelings - ironic, being that feelings were something you worked so hard to feel! - you start not talking about anything that even remotely bothers you, you put a bandaid on everything you're struggling with and act like things are ok when in fact, on the inside, you are screaming and wishing, hoping that someone would hear you. Enter more hurt and resentment. It is just really difficult and I simply want to feel heard and supported and loved. I'm going to see my doctor in a week and a half for sleep issues and depression issues...hoping she'll have something to help.

Frustrated and Upset and RTS?

So frustrated with the memories and psychosomoatic symptoms. Frustrated/upset with myself. Just. Be. Over. It. It is so simple... And yet...it's not. Tried writing some things down for counseling tomorrow. AGH! I cannot do it. Tried asking myself how I felt - please, just feel something- just don't be so goddamned numb about it all. But nothing.

I can't take being at work anymore! I can't take being at home anymore! I want- I need- my own place. Not just the memories...my parents are so negative. I don't need to be around that! And I don't want my daughter around that! She is 4- she should be learning that the world is full of fun things to do and explore and learn.

This morning...I hurt. I think actually I feel something, and it hurts. Part of me wants to break down and cry and cut and yell and cry some more...but I won't. I haven't cried in a while...not sure I could manage it. No need to go feeling weak anyways.

Also kinda wondering about RTS. Read a few articles about it. Put one in the resources tab: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html

Counseling and Moving Forward

So I found a counselor who has evening hours and who specializes in psychosynthesis and life coaching (more information about psychosynthesis here ) and went to see her yesterday evening for a consultation. One of her premises is that we should take our strengths and positives and what we are good at and what works for us, and maximize those to get what we want out of life. I really like that idea. It was only a consultation, but she was already into the difficult questions...I could tell she is not going to let me take the easy way out, minimize or ignore, or rationalize my problems or situation or issues. She is going to  hold me responsible for where I am in life- which is good. I am not stuck working here at my dad's company- there are, I just have to work hard to find another job where I can be happier.

So I wanted to let a dear friend, S, know that I think I have finally found a good C. She even gives her clients her cell phone number and e-mail address in case they think of something important after the session is over. She seemed supportive and positive and good and skilled at listening to what you are not saying. She suggested I set up an easel in the garage or somewhere quiet...which I have been saying I will do for a while but haven't done. I should, painting and drawing is just what brings me peace.

Also I finished a freelance project recently...that was nice. I have put proposals on more of them, so hopefully things will pick up :)

When People Say They're Sorry

When people find out what I have been through (or part of it...no one really knows every thing), many people's first reaction is to say they're sorry. And this doesn't happen very often, as its not like I go around talking about it- usually I prefer to pretend none of it happened. I realize they're not saying it because they had any hand in why or how it happened, they are simply sorry that I went through it. Which is a nice thing to say and really I do appreciate that kindness (especially since if I'm telling someone, they are someone I truly trust). However, it always makes me feel awkward, or bad, when people apologize like that for any of the CSA or SA's. I wasn't sure why, or hadn't really thought about it, until I read someone else's take on it at Pandy's. Now it makes sense that it's partly because it makes me realize that I actually went through something really horrible. I am used to minimizing it, or having other people minimize it- it wasn't that bad, it was a long time ago (most of it), just don't think about it, etc. But when someone apologizes in a tone or with a look that shows genuine sincerity...it reminds me that it WAS actually really bad. Not that that is a good reason to dwell on it or wallow in it or anything, I just thought it was an interesting insight into why it's weird for me when people say they're sorry.

A Support Group, and Why It's Difficult to Talk About

So, I have "applied" to join a support group. Finally. I hope this works out. Mostly cause I do not think there are any more in nearby cities and I don't want to end up driving a million miles away. Now, once my new insurance forms come in (hopefully correct this time!) I'm going to see a new Dr, my records are in the process of being transferred over there. I seem to have gotten it a little more together :) I have also been looking at jobs. Nothing in the field I'm looking for yet, but I'm still looking.

I am a little nervous about the group, but also feeling a little like a weight has been lifted. Like a bit relieved that I'll be able to listen to other people who have been in similar situations and maybe eventually feel comfortable enough to get some things out, maybe find some understanding, maybe understand my own self a little more and start to feel comfortable in my own skin again. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Going to a group reminds me of a discussion I have been following on Pandy's. About why it's difficult to talk about. So far people have said:

• because of shame and/or guilt
• because we don't want pity and that is a typical reaction
• because putting it out loud makes it more real
• because the words can be triggering
• because we are afraid of what people will think of us

I think all of these are true for me. I guess at some point I'll feel ok enough in the group to talk, right? I think once the words are out, it's ok, it feels a little better (it has to, right?), it's just saying them that is difficult. But I don't even have to worry about this yet because I still have to be "accepted" to the group and go and find out whether I like it and feel safe there for talking.

Seems like, when you take things one day at a time, in little steps, it's much easier.