So...it is clear that in relationships I have trust issues. Even if there is absolutely no reason for me to distrust someone, I still have trouble completely trusting. And when things are going well, that's when I freak out. Things don't go well for me- they just don't, when things are going well it just means that they will hit the wall soon. So...these things in combo..means that when a relationship is going well..I freak out and look for any little reason to push someone away. Even if that means doing things that include violating their privacy to find reasons to push them away. Why? Well, my history..life has taught me that trusting is fucking stupid and will get you hurt. Being raised in an environment (and this goes for my foster parents as well) where, for your own safety you simply cannot trust the people who are supposed to protect and care for you..well, it fucks up your ways of thinking. And it just snowballs from there. People totally violate your trust, hurt you, etc, and you are just generally distrustful.
But that does not excuse my behavior or the ways in which I handle things. How do I fucking handle this better??? Today I kindof realized that I need to learn to trust and just trust. Because without trust, it can't work, we all know that. I'm scared to trust someone fully. Really scared. But I have to suck it up and do it. Because I care about the relationship I'm currently in, because I want it to work out, because I am stronger than my past. Because I deserve to have things go well. I also deserve to be treated with honesty and respect and kindness. Things have been hard but the past couple weeks I have actually been taking good care of myself, being strong, being calmer..with the exception of Monday, yesterday and today. I need to be able to express my feelings and let things out (bottling them up is never good) and get back on track. I know that I can do this. I am strong and intelligent and overall a pretty good person ;)