Looking Back at This Year, and What I Learned

I think that 2010 has been one of the most emotionally difficult years of my life. It started off with what I looked at as a "last straw," the last tax on my strength. I soon learned that it wasn't, it was just another bump in the road, and it forced me to take a look at how I'd been dealing with all the other things. Not well. So I started looking at what I could do to heal from all that I'd been through. This has not progressed as well as I'd hoped, but I'm ok with that- all I can do is try harder, think more positive, and remember that it will take time and strength and work.

There's been a lot of ups and downs this year, lots of highs and lows. I learned that it's ok to hurt, as long as it doesn't stop you from living. I learned that  I am strong, that I can work on moving past the bad things. I learned what it's like to feel safe, to really know that nothing bad would happen. (This is a little sad when I think about it, because I don't feel that way all the time, but at least I know it's possible.) I am in the process of learning that I can't justify any of what happened, I can't make it my fault or make it make sense- because it wasn't, and it doesn't. I learned that there are good people, people who will listen and who won't judge and who won't hurt. I also learned that even good people have flaws. And that's ok.

I learned that the only way I'll be ok is if I work at it. Work on healing, on moving past all the CSA and SA and trauma, and on being the person I want to be, not who my family or anyone else wants me to be. I'll be starting the New Year off on a positive note- January 3rd I'm going to my first session with the new support group. I've gotten my books out again and am writing for healing, meditating on self-kindness, doing all the things I should have been doing all year long.

I have only one resolution for the New Year- and that is to leave the negative behind- negative emotions, people, events, etc.- and focus on the positive.