I apologize in advance if this is not very coherent. I'm working on only a couple hours of sleep and I'm still not feeling well so my writing skills aren't really in tip-top shape tonight. I thought this picture was appropriate because it's often how thinking about sex and love makes me feel- torn, broken, ruined, sad...
I'm confused about a whole mess of things and my views of some things, like sex and love, are maybe a little fucked up. Which is maybe normal given what's gone on in my life- I don't think you live through CSA and multiple SAs without some distorted views of how things like love and sex work, right?
I don't even really know completely what I do think about "making love" versus "having sex." Except that I know very much about one and hardly anything about the other. Sometimes I think that sex and love have little to do with each other; that there's nothing loving about sex itself- it's just something that you have to do to get to love. Because no one (at least, not anyone male) is going to love you unless you put out. So even though I don't see how sex is loving, you can't get to love without sex.
My brain says, this is ridiculous; not all men are the same, you know your views on this are all twisted. But another part of me also says don't be an idiot and ignore what experience has taught you- you think the way you do for a reason. ... I guess that's all I got on the sex versus love stuff tonight.
I think I am also confused about what I need right now to be ok. To get better, stop the bad habits and get healthy. Maybe I only need some guidance and reassurance. Maybe I need more. Maybe old habits are just getting in the way. Maybe I am just a stupid slut after all. Maybe I don't actually deserve to know the difference. Maybe the stupid support group was right and I am scared to let myself be "ok" because being in crisis mode is so familiar and I'm so used to it. I have no idea what to think tonight.
I know that making love is a real and possible thing - a mutual interaction between two truly loving people, but when there is a history of CSA or Rape, then it 'bleeds' into our relationship with our bodies and of course it does, all other abused women experience this too, so it is very courageous of you to be looking at it in yourself and looking at kindly healing where you might need to heal. I feel for you, as you know I have some weird thoughts going on around this topic too from the CSA that happened to me. It is a tough journey and you are going to need all the help you can get, take care and please please find a T
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