Eating, and Other Things Related

This eating thing is more difficult than I thought it would be. About two years ago, my boyfriend's cholesterol was borderline high so I got into some really good grocery shopping and cooking habits- whole grains, lots of fruits and veggies, lean meats, no frying, fewer processed foods, that sort of stuff. But I never really ate good myself; mostly because I really only eat one meal a day- dinner- and maybe a snack for lunch. So, in my effort to start eating "real" food for lunch (as opposed to only an apple or some crackers), I started getting some of that frozen crap, you know Healthy Choice or whatever, and it sucks. And my boyfriend has this whole spiel about how it's not even healthy because it's so processed and has so many preservatives in it. (Shhh, he's probably right.) Whatever, so I'm not eating it anymore. I think I'll start doing salad for lunch. Maybe with chicken? Definitely with some cheese.

Breakfast is a whole other can of beans...let's add one meal at a time, thank you, and not get paranoid of getting fat in the process. Adding lunch has proven difficult enough right now... Is it completely insane, the guilty feelings surrounding eating? Who feels guilt about eating, something we must do to survive and stay healthy? I have some theories about where it came from. Feeling like I don't even deserve to be healthy, feeling like I have to be "perfect" and eating too much might get me fat, and all of this was most definitely compounded in the foster home I was in. Sooooo many issues there, all of which have served to lower my self esteem, undermine my quest to be a normal person, and some of which have aided in rendering my eating into the "disordered" category for a long time now.

But, given my new found strength (not sure where I found it, probably where the missing socks go) I'm not going to give up on this eating thing. Or the self esteem thing. I think it would be ok to put on like 5 pounds. Clothes would still fit, and my doctor probably would stop yelling at me once a year when I go. Keep going, keep eating, and start taking vitamins, too. One day at a time. That's my plan. I think I'm going to be ok :)