In my last blog entry, I forgot to list a way that I coped- still cope. A big way. I'm a super-organized control freak. Everything has a place and belongs there all the time. Please don't move it. If you do end up moving it, please dust underneath where it was. Then put it back exactly the way you found it. And as far as being a control freak... if we have plans for the weekend, I will write them down in my planner in pen. And if I have to change them...watch out. And please don't make things last minute, or I might cry. I'm just kidding- I'm not that bad.
But it is bad enough to be annoying. Perhaps moreso for people around me than for me- but make no mistake, I get annoyed by it, too. It's tiring needing everything clean and neat and in it's place and going-as-planned.
So where does this come from? Hmmm... Fear of failing somehow- things have to be perfect, maybe to keep up the facade? Fear of chaos and things being out of control- growing up, there were times when things were out of control in a real sense; this is probably true in most families where one parent has alcohol issues. (Notice I did not say where one parent is an alcoholic right there, have issues with that word.) Fear of not being in control- I had control taken away from me in a lot of ways, very bad and hurtful ways, and now I have to be in control or I feel like things are slipping away and I get panicky.
Just another thing to work on, I suppose.
tried to comment and lost it. Keep going. Keep being courageous. It is so good to see these things and face them for the coping mechanisms they are. My own Child has got herself in a tight corner as she is facing her demons but finds it hard that people read her blog, and don't comment (translated as 'care' in small child language). So I am having a hard time. ANd any way, chapter 27 is not very publishable when a very few people actually know who I am in real life. Arghhhh.
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