Taken from my own sketchbook. Looks like my scanner is biting the dust....

I did some drawing and watercolor painting this evening. I had to, had to do something. The lonliness and stress were eating away at me and my hands and heart have been itching to be creative for a while now. Mostly gesture drawings, because it's quick, easy, emotional, and sometimes messy. I am so stressed/scared/nervous about the interview tomorrow that I actually have a sore throat. The associate director of the place doing the hiring- I have worked for them before- called me the other day and told me who would be there, what they would ask, what I should emphasize and what projects I should mention; she sounded like she wanted me to get the job, which made me feel good. So I made flashcards (what a nerd, I know) about what was important so that I can practice what I need to say and whatnot and I'm not sounding like a nervous idiot tomorrow. There's going to be four people in on the interview (two I know- a man and a woman, two I do not- both men...at least I won't be the only female, right?) and it could last up to a half hour. That seems like a long time. I better find some more things to say.

Thinking Positive

Can't really bring myself to write much except I'm trying to be positive. Things have been pretty rough right now, with final papers and relationship issues and anger problems. But I'm sick of being myself, so I'm trying really hard to think positively and change. I wish I was seeing my therapist sooner because I really need to talk. But I'm not, so I'll just have to deal with it. Maybe with drugs. Just kidding. Kindof.

Healing Exercise from Pandy's

Complete the sentences:

• I am: so much more than I give myself credit for.
• I want: to smile, and mean it.
• I wish: so much didn't have to be a secret, because it's tiring.
• I hate: that I don't hate him.
• I miss: I can't actually finish this one.
• I fear: nights, noises, intimacy.
• I hear: the unkind words in my dreams. But also the kind ones, when I'm awake.
• I wonder: if he's sorry.
• I regret: not telling sooner.
• I am not: what was done to me.
• I dance: only when I am very drunk at friends' Christmas parties.
• I sing: in the car.
• I cry: at night, most nights, as quietly as I can.
• I am not always: ok when I say I am.
• I make with my hands: representations of how I see the world, but sometimes they are disturbing. And cookies, which are not.
• I write: in my journal, almost every night.
• I confuse: people's busyness with uncaring.
• I need: to take better care of myself.
• I should: think positive.

Things I Would Ask for Help With, if I was Brave Enough

• Saying what I need or want
• Standing up for myself when something isn't right
• Managing the anger
• Taking things too seriously or thinking that when things are wrong, it's because of me
• Having fun (I know, it's actually dumb that that is on this list)
• Assuming that I'm not good enough

Perhaps I will print this out and bring it to therapy. So much going on right now with school and possibly a new job and my daughter's (lack of) potty training...it's causing me so much anxiety that my body is freaking out in some really weird ways. My head feels like it's falling or something, for a second or so, every so often. More often when I'm tired or trying to focus visually on something. It's been going on for a few days; at first it was really scary, now it's just frustrating and making me feel sick. My eyes are also really weird. When I shut them, it feels like they are still open, like they are dry or something. And I haven't been sleeping at all. I tried to get a Dr's appointment, but she is out of town for the week and the receptionist said I'd have to go to the emergency room. Well, it's not an emergency really. I do want it taken care of, like, yesterday, but it's not an emergency. I had a mini-breakdown after that phone call. I want to feel better! I think (I hope) after my last paper is in a week from today, I'll be feeling fine. We'll see.

Some Interesting Writings

Some interesting things I found relating to some issues I'm going through, and wanted to share with you guys:

• Continuing relationships with an abusive family- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=137562
• Why self-harm- http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=105561

That's all for now. Having a rough night I guess. Lots of stress with schoolwork, and when there's stress coming from everywhere it gets a little more difficult to control the bad memories. There is too much to do and not enough time, my dad is bringing up all kinds of horrible memories and feelings, and everything just hurts.

A Candid Talk with My Sister...

So...my oldest younger sister and I were talking today. It was just the two of us (and my daughter, who was off playing). We were talking about the aunt who is up, how when I first told about the CSA, she came up to be there for my dad- her brother- and how at one point in the few days after I told, she came into my room and started yelling at me about how I was ruining my family, did I understand what I was doing to my family, and on and on. When she was done, I was (of course) really upset, I went upstairs to my mom, crying, and told her what happened; my mom said she didn't know the aunt was yelling at me, she hadn't heard it from where she was in the house. Well, when my sister and I were talking today and this came up, she said (something like) "Yeah, I was so upset when she started yelling at you, I was crying and I went upstairs and told Mom." Um...excuse me, Mom said she didn't know about this incident. My sister said, "No, that's bullshit, I went up and told her about it, I was really upset." So not only did my mother not believe me about the CSA, but she let my aunt completely bully me at a time when I was already really vulnerable. Nice, thank you Mom. I'm kindof angry about this, though I know there's no point in being angry about it now. Actually, I think I'm more hurt than I am angry.

At another point in my conversation with my sister, I said that I didn't care who believed me about the "stuff with dad" (that is usually how it is referred to, or "the crap with Jessica"). And you know what she said? Quick background- she has never said she believes me; in fact after I told and my dad had to leave the house for a few months because of Child Protective Services or whatever, she was really mad at me for saying what I said and causing him to leave. She said that I shouldn't care who believes me because I know what happened. I was dumbfounded. I sorta expected...well, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn't that. It really made me feel good, unjudged. It was so nice to have such a good conversation with her. Her and my middle younger sister (I have three younger sisters) and I have been talking a lot lately about family, about our parents, about ourselves, and it's been really nice.

Aside from all that, it's been a rough few days, but I'm doing what I have to do. Lots of homework to take my mind off things, finding new ways to keep myself grounded when I feel The Panic setting in.

Oops, I Forgot One

In my last blog entry, I forgot to list a way that I coped- still cope. A big way. I'm a super-organized control freak. Everything has a place and belongs there all the time. Please don't move it. If you do end up moving it, please dust underneath where it was. Then put it back exactly the way you found it. And as far as being a control freak... if we have plans for the weekend, I will write them down in my planner in pen. And if I have to change them...watch out. And please don't make things last minute, or I might cry. I'm just kidding- I'm not that bad.

But it is bad enough to be annoying. Perhaps moreso for people around me than for me- but make no mistake, I get annoyed by it, too. It's tiring needing everything clean and neat and in it's place and going-as-planned.

So where does this come from? Hmmm... Fear of failing somehow- things have to be perfect, maybe to keep up the facade? Fear of chaos and things being out of control- growing up, there were times when things were out of control in a real sense; this is probably true in most families where one parent has alcohol issues. (Notice I did not say where one parent is an alcoholic right there, have issues with that word.) Fear of not being in control- I had control taken away from me in a lot of ways, very bad and hurtful ways, and now I have to be in control or I feel like things are slipping away and I get panicky.

Just another thing to work on, I suppose.

Writing Exercise: Honoring the Ways You Coped

How did I cope with the CSA? Lots of ways, really, depending on the stage of my life I was in.

I forgot or minimized lots of what happened, and made up rationalizations for the rest. I know now that this was to protect my younger self from being completely destroyed by what was going on. I still do this sometimes- it wasn't that bad, it could have been worse, it was me, he did it because I was bad...and so on.

When I started to really "know" that things had happened, with memories, one way in which I coped was by presenting a facade to the outside world. I was a "good" kid, got mostly A's in school, took advanced classes, joined clubs, helped people, worked, went to church... pleased everyone I could and acted like things were perfect. While on the inside, I was screaming for help.

Another way I coped was by hurting myself. I cut myself, not really deep enough to leave scars, but enough to bleed, enough to feel. I became hypervigilant about my eating and often skipped meals. I became quite promiscuous, using sex and sexuality to meet lots of needs.

One of the healthier ways that I coped was tapping into my creativity. I wrote a lot of poetry, and created a lot of art. Painting, drawing, sketching, inking, sculpture, anything that I could use to express what was going on inside.

When I left foster care at the age of 19, I got pregnant soon after and wanted to be a "part of the family" again. But how could I do this with everything that had happened? I put things in a closet in my mind, and ignored it all. I guess this also goes along with that facade I was presenting to the outside. From the outside, everything was ok- I was a good mom, in school, doing well; but it became impossible to keep ignoring things. Which is why I returned to therapy earlier this year.

Currently, I am coping by reminding myself that I am ok, that I am doing good things to work through this, by talking to the people I trust. I intend to go back to being creative, just have to force myself to find the time and get over my "it's been so long!" fears. Yes, sometimes I still skip meals- for the control, the pain, or to punish myself- and yes, sometimes I think about cutting, sometimes I just sit and cry. But for the most part, I have found much healthier ways to cope- and to go beyond coping to dealing with it, so that I can get better.

Honoring the ways I coped... Well, I think I have already done this. I'm not really ashamed of anything I did to cope anymore. I survived some horrible things, and I made it through. I'm here. I used whatever I could and did the only things I knew to make it here. And I can honor that.

It's a Long Road, but I Won't Stop Walking

What do you do when you've been through hell? When you aren't sure how to cope and you end up hurting yourself and those around you?

Or when you feel stuck in the dark places of your mind, not sure you're strong enough to climb out?

I'm learning that you just keep going. Because none of it is the end of the world. You can't undo things that you've been through, but you can learn how to live with them and not let them define you. You can't take away things you've done, but you can say you're sorry to the people you hurt, forgive yourself, and do better.

Change is difficult, and scary. But I think it's finally hit me that I want to change. I don't want to dwell on the bad things, or hurt people I care about, or feel trapped in my own head. I know this sounds pretty screwed up, but I think that somewhere I felt that as long as I had issues, someone would care. So I didn't try as hard as I could to get better. But the people who really care, will still care when I'm "ok." It's comfortable here in a way, because it's what I'm used to. But I just can't do it anymore; it isn't what I want for myself, for my daughter, or for my boyfriend.

The past couple days have been killer, but I'm going to keep going forward. Because that's the only thing to do.

Writing Exercise: The Effects of the CSA...

...on my self-worth:

• I am worthless, or close to it
• I twist my self-worth to depend on the people I care about, so the smallest, most unintentional slight is taken with too much sensitivity
• I don't deserve to be cared for
• I am dirty, and bad
• I am at fault

...on my relationships:

• I trust people I shouldn't too quickly, and people I should, not enough
• I am emotionally needy, seeking constant reassurance that someone cares
• At the same time, I push people away, testing their caring
• Relationships with my parents are superficial
• Relationships with my sisters...were strained; now, they are better, but I am still unsure about how they really feel toward me

...on my views about sex:

• Sex is easily used for power
• Sex is easily made to be about control
• Sex is painful and causes guilt
• Sex is a way to make people want and/or need you, to make them want to be close to you

...on my life in positive ways- what strengths have I gained?

• For all my emotional neediness, I am pretty self-sufficient- I know how to run a household and take care of a family
• I am compassionate and empathetic
• I am not broken, even with all I have been through- this shows me that I am strong
• I know how not to parent

Writing Exercise from: Bass, E. and Davis, L. (2008). The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of CSA. (4th Ed.). New York: Harper.

The Dream

When I was little, I used to have this recurring nightmare. I would be in my room, and I knew that "Superman" (this is what I called him, but he was blond) was coming to find me. Frantically, I would hide under my bed, always behind my box of barbie stuff. And then he would come into my room and start looking, but I would always wake up before he found me.

I haven't had this dream in a long time. Now they are pretty much either completely weird (for example, my sisters are putting pet turtles in plastic shopping bags to carry them, and I am freaking out that the turtles can't breathe), or terrifying.

And...I had planned to write more, but that's about all I can handle right now.

The Anger...I Do Not Like It

I kinda wish I could describe how I've been feeling since I started this lovely "healing journey." It's difficult to name all the feelings going on in my head...or heart I suppose.

But there is a lot of anger. Which is maybe why I am depressed? I'm sure we've all heard the old saying that anger turned inward is depression. I am angry at everyone who hurt me, everyone who didn't believe me, everyone who turned their back. I am even angry at myself. But I am not willing to- nor do I think it would help anything if I did- rock the boat *again* by bringing all this up to the people I am angry with. So my struggle is, how do I stop turning this anger inward? How do I let it out or diffuse it in a "healthy" way? Is this possible? It must be posisble.

Maybe this is something I should have talked with my therapist about today ;) Instead, we talked about how I need to not get to stressed about the little things- she said to take things one day at a time (which another smart person also suggested) and stop getting so bugged out at the big picture things because they can always be broken down into one-day-at-a-time steps.

Yesterday I put in an application for a research specialist position in West Virginia. (I am currently in NY). I meet the qualifications (and even exceed some) and it's in the field I want to be in. They don't have a current opening, they were just taking applications to start a pool for expected future openings. So, I put in an application. After initially being super stressed about it, I am a little excited and hoping they do end up with an opening in the near future. I think it might be a good opportunity, a good change. A chance to be a little farther away from my family, to not have to deal with them so often, to not have them RIGHT there to be involved in everything.... yes, there are so many reasons why a good job in another state could be good. But I'm also stressing about it quite a bit. I don't know why- there's no opening yet, I might not even get accepted, if I do I don't have to take it, and if I take it it's not forever, written in stone. So basically I'm just trying to relax about it and wait calmly.

Still depressed, still no appointment with a psychaitrist. We are playing phone tag.... But I am hoping to get in soon because I have been so blah. I want to scream sometimes- someone please, please help me. I want to feel better, want to feel normal, want to GIVE UP on this "journey" and go back to ignoring everything. Because that was easier, safer, more comfortable.

A Letter

My heart aches and my mind burns, but I am not going to break. You will not win. You will no longer control me. My body is numb and my soul is empty, but I will be ok. You haven't damaged me forever. You are a poison, slowly taking the beauty and life from whoever you wish- but not me, not anymore. I am standing up, putting back what pieces I can, healing the searing pain you caused. I am still afraid- to trust, to ask for help, to sleep, to be less than perfect. But I'm learning not to be so scared. It's going to take a long time to undo what you did...but I will do it.

Skillet (the band, not what you cook in)

Alright...I'm not a fan of "Christian" music. I find most of it preachy and...annoying? But Skillet's "Monster" has definitely made it's way into the mainstream secular music scene. I love that song, because I can relate so well to it. I think most people can...maybe we all have a "secret side." So this is actually the only song of their's I have heard.

Until today. There was a link on Pandy's (can you tell I go there often- it's nice not to feel so alone) to their song "It's Not Me It's You." Like "Monster," you can't tell they're a Christian group from this song. But this song is I guess about putting the blame where it belongs- "I'm no longer choking/from the pain you put me through/and now I know that/it's not me it's you- you/it's not me it's you/always has been you." I'm not saying let's blame everyone for all our problems, but let's blame the people who hurt us for their actions, instead of blaming ourselves. For people who have been through CSA or SA or RA or any kind of A, that's a big struggle. So I am kindof glad I found this song...or that someone else found it and shared it ;)

Fathers' Day

Fathers' Day is kindof a difficult "holiday" for me. In a lot of ways, my dad was a good dad. We were always fed and clothed, had a roof over our heads, and have plenty of good things to remember. This might sound horrible but sometimes I try really hard NOT to think about the ways he was a good dad, because it sortof makes me blame myself for the ways he was not. I think, "he has so many good qualities, it must have been something about me." In my mind, I know it wasn't my fault, but in my heart, it's a bit more difficult to "get it."

So this Fathers' Day I have decided to try to think about only the good things and not the bad, as far is my dad is concerned. And to pretty much just try to make the day about my daughter's dad and other dads I happen to know who are great, even though they might not be my dad.

Thought This Quote Was...Right

Saw this quote today on Pandy's (which is an online forum for survivors of sexual abuse and assault) and I thought it was fitting:

"You'll hold onto this forever. Guilt gives you the illusion of control in an uncontrollable situation. The 'if I had done this or that' creates an escape. It stops this being unanswerable. A random event. Except, it's already happened, and the truth is there is nothing you can do. And you're going to have to work out some way of living with that for the rest of your life. Whatever happens. Or it will destroy you."

Maybe that is why we blame ourselves - even when we know in our minds that it wasn't actually our fault, even though we would never blame another survivor for her own experience - because somehow it allows us to keep from admitting that we were not in control. No matter why we do it, it IS going to destroy us if we don't find a way to make ourselves believe that it was not our fault.

Questions With No Answers

Some are directed at specific people, others, to no one in particular.

Why did you hurt me?

What did I do to deserve the things that were done to me?

I know you noticed, why didn't you make it stop?

Why wasn't anyone there when I needed them?

Are you sorry?

Do you live with any pain for what you did?

Why am I still suffering for others' actions?

Why do I feel such pain, guilt, and shame for things other people did?

Why did it take me so long to tell?

Would it have been better for me to keep my mouth shut and deal with it?

How long am I going to have to spend in therapy to feel ok again?

Will I EVER feel completely ok?

Do I even deserve to feel ok?

Do I deserve the wonderful support and kindness from the few that I trust?

Why didn't God stop it? Why did God let it start?

There are more...but I don't have the energy to type anymore tonight. It's been a rough day, I'm in pain, and my energy is completely sapped.

Yes, I'm Angry

Thinking last night and this morning about my family. I have a big family, lots of aunts and uncles, lots of cousins. A few days after I told about the abuse, I went to a psychaitric hospital (due to self-injury and suicidal thoughts). I was there for about three months, in part because the state was trying to figure out where to put me- family? Foster care? Group home? Two days before Christmas I was put into foster care with a family who I didn't know, in a place I wasn't familiar with. Granted, I was 16 and old enough to handle this, but I was a little scared. It's a little upsetting, a little sad, that I couldn't have lived with any of my aunts or uncles. I don't think anyone offered, I don't think any of them tried to say "Hey, wait a minute, she might be telling the truth." There was one aunt and uncle close to us that was being considered, but they didn't want me there because they "didn't want me telling lies about them, too." When I was in foster care, and in the few years after, I sent holiday cards every year, with nice notes and little updates. Did I get any in return? I think I got one from my grandmother. That's it.

I felt shut out, I felt like no one cared, I felt alone, I felt that everyone had believed my dad's story (that I was crazy or had been "brainwashed" into thinking up the abuse, or that I was just coldhearted and wanted to ruin the family), and I felt angry. Last Christmas and the one before, I did get Christmas cards from some of them. But it still hurts that for a few years, no one was there.

I'm working on letting go of this, what was anyone supposed to do, really? And recently, thanks to facebook, I've sortof gotten back in touch with a few aunts and uncles. And cousins, who've been more than kind. I'm thankful for this.

The Happy Things

This morning I woke up to find my daughter not in my bed. This was a pleasant surprise, as she's been there every morning lately when we wake up. Then, John was at the door- "You have to come out here and see this now!" with a smirk. I followed him to the kitchen, and there on the floor, wrapped in blankets, her hair a mess over her pillow, was the kiddo. We giggled and as I woke her up, I said, "I'm so proud of you for not sleeping in Mommy's room! But why didn't you sleep on the couch? Why the kitchen floor?" Her eyes still closed, she said listlessly, "'Cause...I always do." And of course that made us giggle a little more.

I think it's these little moments that keep me from losing it, that keep me from letting the pain eat me up. There is a lot of good in my life right now. That doesn't take away the bad things that happened, but it does make it a little easier to bear.

I had therapy this morning. It's always a little difficult, facing issues and things you've done and things that have been done to you. Things have gotten a little bit more difficult since I started going- more panic attacks at night, more difficulty concentrating during the day. But at the same time, it feels good to know that I'm trying to move forward. We talked about accepting the possibility that my parents will not acknowledge what happened, or ever apologize. Accepting it doesn't mean agreeing or saying it's ok, just realizing that it won't change, and it's probably self-destructive to keep holding on to the hope that it will. So that is where I'm at; it's a little difficult to actually realize this- that it is highly, highly unlikely they will ever change, but probably necessary. I've been hanging onto that hope for the past 8 years, and it hasn't gotten me anything. Perhaps it's time to let it go.

How do you feel when...

I recently saw a topic thread on Pandy's asking how you feel when people talk about your abuser(s). I guess this depends on what they are saying ;) Because I am geographically close to mine (my father), and because people in general think he is a "good" person, I get to hear a LOT of good things about him. Very few people know what happened (years of CSA), and those who do are kind enough not to bring him up much, and not to speak of him as if he were a saint. Everyone else, though, just thinks he is so great. It KILLS me. It makes me feel angry, sad, disgusted, guilty, and it's hard not to think about the abuse when I'm thinking about him.

Of course, there were good times. Lots of them. And maybe in general he is a "good" person. I am not really sure, I am still looking at my definition of this. But he can do bad things, he can cause so much hurt. It's been almost eight years since I moved out and it is STILL hurting, a lot. So when people talk about him as if he is a great person, it's upsetting and it hurts. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want everyone to hate him, I would just like it if people wouldn't speak so highly of him. But, since I'm not going to go around telling everyone what he did, I believe I'll just have to deal with it. How?

Wow, I'm a Blogger (Some Background)

So this is my blog. It's pretty neat, right? Basically, I will use this as a sort of vent as I'm going through this totally awesome "healing process." (Yes, the totally awesome was sarcastic.)

Background: I started therapy in the beginning of May to deal with some issues I'd been carefully trying NOT to deal with for some years. This includes CSA, and later SA, self-injury and eating issues, depression, body image issues (obviously), panic attacks, flashbacks and body memories (actually, I didn't even know these had a name until finding Pandora's Aquarium online while trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me), nightmares, insomnia, and general irritability.

I am really lucky that my bf was (and still is) so supportive and caring. I'm also lucky to have a kind cousin who is so encouraging. Without my boyfriend, without the few wonderful family members I have (I have lots of family, they're just not all wonderful), without my best friend (who is also my unbiological sister, and who I love dearly), and a few other nice people I am lucky enough to know, I would just not be able to handle this "let's go back and look at the trauma" stuff.

Well I think I'm starting to ramble. So that's it for now. More later ;)