Questions to ask yourself before you SI (self-injure), and my answers, for tonight:
1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself- what brought me to this point? I have to go back to work tomorrow, with my dad. When he's showing my something on the computer, I just think, "those are the same hands that...nope- I'm not letting myself go there, not now." The work itself isn't bad, being around him isn't bad, it's not letting myself remember that is the problem, because sometimes the memories just come flooding in, and there isn't much I can do to stop them.
Also, I need to talk. But I can't find my voice. So I stuff things inside. That's ok, I'm used to doing that, and later, I might journal about what's bugging me. Much easier to keep it to myself and look strong.
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? Yup, I've been here before. Sometimes I cut, then I feel relief- if only in the short-term. Other times, I write, I cry, I talk, I take a bubble bath. And those things don't feel as good as cutting in the short-term, but longer-term I do feel better because I didn't hurt myself, I dealt with things in a healthier way.
3. What have I done to ease the discomfort so far, and what else can I do that won't hurt me? Well...I found these questions, and I'm answering them...that is distracting at least. I could read Outlander, or go take a bubble bath, most likely I'll do both.
4. How do I feel right now? I hurt, and I'm angry.
5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself? If you have never self-injured, this probably sounds absurd. But if I go cut, I'll feel relief, adrenaline, a wave of calm, followed by a short period of numbness.
6. How will I feel after I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? When it's over, I'll feel slightly numb, a little more relaxed, but disappointed in myself. In the morning, I'll wish I hadn't done it, I'll feel weak and ashamed.
7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I think trying meditation or writing or drawing before it gets to the point that I feel tempted to hurt myself would be dealing with it much better.
8. Do I need to hurt myself? No...no one ever needs to.
So...what I'm going to do is go take a hot bubble bath, with a nice mud mask facial, and then hop into a warm bed and read. Because I'm not SI'ing tonight. There are healthier ways to deal with my crap.
And work tomorrow won't be so bad...knowing that when my student loan bills come in, we'll be able to pay them, is good.
To Myself:after you posted on my blog tonight.
ReplyDeleteI know how it is to be writing one's heart out and no one responds, so I am very glad to be responding to you in your difficult times. I feel we give from our hearts to each other, recognizing we are both in painful spaces these days. Thank you so much for your kind comments to me, I really appreciate them. and the hugs are lovely :) You are not alone. I think of you each day.
Again I cheer. YOu are doing such marvellous work here, you need a whole cheerleading team just for you, you deserve it. You really do. You are amazing. You have so much difficult stuff going on right now. No wonder the old urges come back and you are turning away from them, - this is true warrior spirit.