Frustrated!

I am just so frustrated with parts of my current living situation! I love, love, love my job and it IS a great professional job with good benefits and above-average pay. However, I am having a hard time making ends meet. The BF (with whom I recently moved in, with each of our daughters) is very positive and has been working extra hours and such, and has offered to watch my daughter if I wanted to start a second job to earn more income. But the fact that I am seeing people, other single parents, who have so much disposable income, in part because they are being unfair to their exes in terms of child support or other reasons, after I worked SO hard for my education and my job has been really, really frustrating. I realize that I'm being silly and jealous and childish. But I have worked SO, so, so hard to get where I am and it's still not good enough! When will I be good enough? When I have yet another degree? A second job? A prettier face? A better figure? I am just so irritable and angry lately and I don't know how to fix things and I am tired, so tired. I am hoping to be able to post an update this week.

SI (sortof), Forgetting, Anger

Last night was so bad. Body memories and crying and my eyes are very puffy this morning. I am really struggling. I keep picking the scabs on my head and picking them again and they hurt so bad and bleed and I just can't stop. And it hurts to even wash and brush my hair; and I can't even ask about it or talk about it on Pandy's because they changed their posting guidelines in that forum.

Trying to stay strong and be gentle with myself. I didn't take the antidepressants for like 3 days in a row because my throat was really hurting and the pills are huge, maybe that is my problem. Took them today, only have one left and I have to refill them tomorrow and I am not sure if my insurance will still cover it (insurance is going to be changing, one will be running out before the other takes effect) and it will cost $109...so that is adding to the stress. Backtracking a little- I think maybe part of why my  throat has been hurting is because the lymph nodes on the back of my neck/head are swollen because of all the scabs on my scalp.

I don't know how to stop remembering, or how to make my body stop remembering. People say, don't let it control you, don't think about it, forget about it, get over it, just don't let it happen....

Dealing with a lot of anger. Well, I have always had a lot of anger I suppose, just wasn't really aware of it. Trying to figure out, with M, how to constructively let it out of my system so it stops sitting in there seething.

Anxious

A little anxious today, panicky...can't breathe very well, lungs are tight. Trying to do some grounding exercises (see the Resources tab)...agh.

For My Survivor Friends...

When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, dirty, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kindof funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA and SA and how much is from the breakup. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...